Unknown
by DoctorJekyll
Summary: After his encounter with Cuddy and Lucas, House must come to terms not only with his feelings towards Cuddy, but with the fact that he may have actually lost her. Can he deal with a broken heart ? Will she leave Lucas for him ?
1. Chapter 1

**UNKOWN**

_*******this is a short first chapter, in response to last week's episode. Not sure if it's worth continuing. Please let me know. Would love to explore further. ******* _

The phone rang again, this time House silenced it, before tossing it across the room. He leaned his head back on the sofa and shut his eyes.

"Cuddy again?" Wilson asked.

Besides him House remained silent, his eyes shut, his face relaxed.

"You're not going to pick up are you?" He turned and briefly faced his friend.

"Nope." House answered as the phone started ringing again, this time he got up and limped across the living room, and down the hallway towards his room.

Wilson heard the door shutting quietly as he went across the room to pick up his friend's phone. He flipped the phone open and placed it to his ear, "Cuddy," he said, "its Wilson."

He paused to listen for a while, "No, he's not available." He shook his head. "No, no he doesn't want to talk." Another brief pause, then "I don't want to talk either. Lisa he's my friend, my best friend…and…listen, I better go." He stopped and listened to her pleading, "I'm going to go," he repeated softly before folding up the phone.

He walked down the hallway and knocked on his friend's door; slowly he cracked it and walked inside. House lay on his back, his hands folded on his stomach his eyes open. "Hey, I brought your phone" he said placing it besides the bed on the night stand. "I don't think she'll call again."

House smiled, "thanks "he said.

"Hey," Wilson continued pushing his hands in his pants pocket, "I'm sorry, I had no idea. You know I would have told you."

"Well, I would fucking hope so." House replied, turning to face his friend.

Wilson sat on the edge of the bed "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Nope." House turned his eyes towards the ceiling again.

"Are you going to be okay?" Wilson asked

"Yup." House replied. He inhaled deeply and shut his eyes.

Wilson waited a minute or so, then pushed himself up off the bed and headed out the door.

House lay quietly with his eyes closed. He was in terrible pain. Everything hurt, his leg a dull ache, his head from keeping it together all day, his eyes from being opened too long , his heart from losing Cuddy, his whole entire insides from losing Cuddy. His everything, from losing Cuddy.

He reached for the phone and dialed. It rang a few times and then she picked up, "House?" She was nervous, panicked, "House is that you?"

"Yup" he answered.

She sighed, he could picture her running her hand through her thick curls and his heart hurt even more. "House, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I meant to tell you about Lucas, but I didn't want to be so…presumptuous in thinking that….I don't know…I should have told you."

He stayed silent, she could hear him breathing.

"At breakfast," she continued, "He shouldn't have…I should have never discussed…Greg I breached our confidence and I apologize, I was wrong, I never once thought he would bring that up and…."

"Cuddy," he cut her off "please don't ever discuss anything about me with Lucas again."

"Of course, of course I won't." He thought he could hear her voice breaking. "House, I'm sorry, I…"

"Goodnight Cuddy" he said and hung up the phone. He lay back down and shut his eyes.

It would be hard to get through this. Maybe harder than giving up vicodin even. Cuddy had been with him for so long. She was always in the background; he had never even considered the possibility of her not being there. It was always him in his mind. Him who had to get his shit together, him who had to decide. Not her, she was always waiting, wanting, hoping. A constant in his life.

Now she was gone. The flirting, the sexual innuendos that little nudge in the bottom of his heart that kept him smiling at work. The driving force that kept him pushing at Mayfield. The hope that kept him going in life. The hope that one day, he would change enough to face his feelings, to face his fears and let her into his heart.

"shit" he mumbeled rubbing a hand over his closely cropped hair. How could she have told Lucas everything ? Everything ? He didn't even want to think about this morning, the breakfast, Lucas' idiotic ranting, humiliating and embarrassing him. Crushing him, "she was your savior" he had said. How could Cuddy tell him all that? How could she think that and tell someone? Tell Lucas?

He closed his eyes and rolled over onto his side. He needed to be calm, and think about controlling his pain without numbing it. The vicodin days were over. The Cuddy days were over.

******_please sound off and let me know if this is worth continuing. Love those reviews !!!!!!!*************************_


	2. Chapter 2

_****This is a second chapter - hope you guys like it. This episode left me as stunned as the Kutner one wich spurred "Breaking the Dam". Maybe , it'll turn into another good one ! *****_

_Cuddy's house_

She hung up the phone and pressed it against her lips for a moment before getting up and walking out into the living room.

Lucas was sitting on the floor playing with Rachel, "Did you get a hold of him?" he asked looking up.

She nodded and sat on the couch.

"Well?" he asked as he handed Rachel a stuffed animal.

"Well….I just wish you hadn't said those things, Lucas you really…" she put her head in her hands.

He leaned his head back and groaned "I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Lisa, how many times do you want me to say it? I made a mistake, I was nervous, I was rambling."

"I know, you said it," she shook her head and stood, "I just don't think you realize what the repercussions of 'your ramblings' could mean to me and my career. He is my employee, and that was a serious breach of confidentiality, and in the world of health care…."

"Lisa," he groaned again, "we've been through this the whole way back. You've already put me through the ringer. I AM SORRY. On every level." He dropped the toy he was playing with and stood up. "Besides, I told you, House isn't going to press charges, file a report, or anything."

She looked up, "First of all, I don't know that. And second….this isn't just a matter of saving my ass, it's a matter of ethics and what I did, was ethically wrong! House and I go way back, he is an employee, but he is also a friend, a dear friend, and what I did was wrong. I mean, hearing you say all those things really hurt him."

Lucas knelt down in front of her and rested a hand on her shoulder. "Of course it hurt him Lisa, he's in love with you, and no amount of counseling or therapy is going to change that. You knew that."

"I didn't think he would actually ever change, and now…."she looked up, her grey eyes stricken.

"And now what? he asks you if he can watch Rachel for a couple of hours, and all the years of bullshit and abuse you put up with are washed away ? Come on, you can't be…."

"Stop, "she pushed his hand off her shoulder and got up off the couch. "Just stop. I really, truly, wish that I had never confided in you. House, despite his many shortcomings is a dear friend of mine. He has just been through a very long, and what should have been kept private, psychiatric hardship. I just hurt him very deeply, and if you can't understand, how this hurts me than…."

"Then what?" he stood and followed her, "Then what Lisa?" He asked again.

She bent down and scooped up Rachel holding her to her chest. "I just think I need to be alone tonight." She said lowering her voice.

He stared at her incredulous, his bright blue green eyes wide."Well, that's just fucking great." He said under his breath. "I said I was sorry, I am sorry. This is why I did what I did; because I was nervous of what would happen once House found out. I never even wanted to keep us secret, I…."

"Lucas," she reached and placed a hand over his arm. "I need to be alone tonight. Please respect my feelings on this."

He looked at her and narrowed his eyes, she thought for a moment that she saw something she didn't like pass through them, then he smiled lightly and patted Rachel softly on the head. "Goodnight cutie." He said softly before turning around and gathering up his coat.

He put it on and stopped for a moment before opening the door, "I'll see you tomorrow?" he asked without turning around.

"Let me see how my day goes." She answered "I might be putting out fires…"

"Goodnight Lisa," he said walking out the door without pausing to hear anymore.

She waited for the door to shut, before exhaling. What a day, what a long, shitty, exhausting, horrible day.

Dancing with House last night had been, so surprising, so unexpected. The minute her body pressed into his a flood of emotions rose in her that had been overwhelming. She had not slow danced with him in years. And last night he had seemed so raw, so vulnerable. He was so different now, well the same but different in subtle ways; subtle ways that were huge to her.

That stupid costume, she knew that he had rented it, wanting to go to the party, to see her, to connect with her. There had been no cutting sarcastic remarks, no biting sexual comments. Just the real him, the bits that had rarely come out before Mayfield. They were all there in him during that dance. His soft gruff voice re-living the college days with her. She knew she should have told him about Lucas. She should have told him right then and their but she couldn't. She couldn't, and didn't want to.

She walked with Rachel into her room and began getting her ready for bed. Rachel looked up at her and kicked happily as she changed her diaper. She sure did like Lucas. He was so good with her. Always willing to play and tumble, get down on her level and tussel around. God, is that what she liked in him? Was she satisfying Rachel instead of herself? But she loved him, she thought. He was so light and happy. Being with him after a long day at work felt like having an enormous weight lifted off her shoulders. She never in her life had been with someone like him. She seemingly had surrounded herself with like minded driven people since day one. But Lucas, Lucas had been a breath of fresh air.

But this morning. He had been different this morning. Something had changed in him and she had seen it. Seen, for the first time an edge se had not seen before. She wasn't sure if she believed that he had nervously been blabbing. Maybe at first, but then she felt those words had been cold and calculated.

Calculated, thrown out there to humiliate House. To embarrass him, and crush the image he had of her. She had felt so, mortified, so ashamed. Sure she had told him bits and pieces of what had been happening. Mostly it had been pillow talk, and moments of alleviating the stress and guilt that she had felt regarding House. She had felt like an enabler. Lucas had helped her to get over that.

But he wasn't stupid. Light, fluffy, carefree, yes….stupid no. And she didn't believe for a minute that he had no control over his mouth, and his nerves. His business was of spying on people, figuring things out, investigating. He knew enough about House to know how he would have been affected.

"Ahhh baby girl," she whispered to Rachel as she approached the rocking chair, "Mommy's going to be facing a real mess in the morning."

And as she sat and rocked her daughter gently, she closed her eyes and her thoughts drifted slowly to the way she had felt rocking gently inside of House's arms on the dance floor the other night.

******Please let me know if you like it !!!! Reviews are my muse !!! It only takes a minute ! ***********


	3. Chapter 3

_****Thanks for the kind reviews. Wanted to post a quick chapter before Mon night. And for those of you who are wondering....of course they will end up together !!!!*****_

_Hospital_

By the time House walked into the conference room, he found Chase and Cameron already seated enjoying a cup of coffee, and going through a chart.

"Morning," Chase said, without looking up.

"We got a case," added Cameron, "and…apparently, Cuddy pulled Foreman. You're license must have cleared. You're in charge again." She smiled.

"Great," he groaned, limping over to the coffee, "I was just beginning to enjoy my vacation." He leaned his back against the counter and sipped the scalding cup slowly. "So what do you guys have so far?"

"Seems like flu." Answered Cameron "want me on the board or….?"

He looked at her and took another sip of coffee, "Nahhh, I'm in charge again, I'll do the board."

House limped over to the whiteboard, rested his mug on the table and picked up a marker, slowly he pulled the cap off and held it under his nose, "Ahhh," he smiled, "The sweet smell of success! So, what do we have?"

Chase and Cameron went through the symptoms, and he quickly wrote them down. "Nausea, dizziness, loss of sensation in hands…what else?" He asked.

Cameron looked up from her chart, "He said he had a feeling that one foot was always wet."

"What?" he answered, turning to face her, his hand still raised above the board.

She leaned forward and tapped her pen on the chart, "he always felt like on of his socks was wet."

"Neurological." Shrugged Chase, "Whatever it is, has got to be neurological."

Behind them the door quietly opened and Cuddy walked in. She had been hoping to corner House before he started on the new case, but she had been caught off guard by his unusually punctual arrival.

"What?" he asked harshly without turning around.

"I said neurological..." Chase started.

"Not you," he cut him off and turned around. "Her. What do you want? "He asked, his hand still gripping the marker.

"I was going to ask to see you in your office if you weren't too busy." Cuddy answered without batting an eye.

"Do I look busy?" he answered turning his back on her.

The room grew silent; all that could be heard was the tapping of the marker head on the white board.

"You do." She answered, pulling the armload of files she had to her chest, "But I was hoping you could spare a moment to…"

"Cameron!" he shouted, tossing the marker in her direction, and yanking his cane from its hanging position on the white board. "Finish the differential. And let's hope Cuddy's done with me before my first patient drops dead."

Limping briskly, he headed towards his office, letting the door swing shut behind him

With one hand Cuddy grabbed it and walked in behind him. "These are some papers that need your signature." She said placing them gently on his desk.

"That couldn't wait?" He said sitting on the edge of his desk and reaching for his ball.

"They are from the licensure committee so…." She started.

"Fine," he said looking her dead in the eye. "Anything else?"

"Well," she started, "I was hoping to…"

"Don't tell me," he said accenting his emotions by tossing the ball against the wall across from him, "that you pulled me away from a differential to…talk!"

"Greg, I…" Cuddy was flustered and she knew it. "This weekend was…very…awkward, and I know I've already apologized, but I really wanted to reiterate in person just how …"

"Apology accepted." He stated curtly, cutting her off as he continued bouncing the ball against the wall across from him and catching it. "Anything else?"

"Yes," she said firmly, "I also stopped by to let you know that I've pulled Foreman off the team for the time being, and I have him working on his own….on some less critical cases." She paused before looking up "he is, of course available for consultations if you were to need him."

"Great!" he said flatly as he continued to bounce the ball. "Is there a reason why this should matter to me?"

"I just thought," she started, "that you might be interested in…."

"Don't worry," he cut her off, "I'm not planning a visit to human resources, but….you is more than welcome to continue the ass kissing."

"House," she turned to face him, "what I did was a violation of your rights as an employee, and if you feel the need to…."

"Lighten up Cuddy" he muttered under his breath.

She looked up at him and pressed her lips together "House, I…"

"Goodbye." He said flatly and once again commenced bouncing his ball off the wall.

"Well," she said, taking a step towards him before stopping "I'm sure you need to get back to your patient, so…"She turned without finishing and walked out the door.

"Jesus" he muttered as the door closed behind her. He pushed himself off his desk and threw the ball hard against the wall, walking away as the ball bounced back and hit his desk sending his mug and pens and papers across the floor.

"Oops" he said under his breath as he walked back out into the conference room, his team looking up as the clattering noise filled the air.

"Marker" he stated, holding out his hand without looking up.

******_keep those reviews comming. Much more angst to come!!!********************_


	4. Chapter 4

_***Sorry so short ! Hope you enjoy. BTW, feel free to chime in and give me some direction, I am so annoyed with Cuddy right now, I don't know where to take this.******_

_Wilson_

Cuddy inhaled deeply before raising her hand, in a fist, above Wilson's door. She exhaled and shut her eyes before knocking.

"Come in" he said from inside his office, she opened the door and stepped inside, pulling it shut behind her. Wilson, she knew, would be her toughest critic.

He looked up from his desk and pressed his lips together, he knew what was coming and he didn't like it. "Dr Cuddy?" he asked.

"Oh James," she sighed, walking up and sitting across from his desk, "you don't need to 'Dr Cuddy' me."

"Okay," he said hesitantly, "Lisa…..what can I do for you."

"I came to talk about this passed weekend, to apologize about this past weekend actually." She started, "I know I put you in an awkward position and…"

"You did." He said looking down at some papers, "and it could have easily been avoided."

"Yes," she nodded, "I certainly could have handled things a bit differently, I've spoken to House, and now I am speaking with you. I'm sorry, that I put you in such an awkward position James."

"Well," he looked up at her "Then why did you?"

"Excuse me?" she asked.

"Why did you put me in such an awkward position Lisa?" he continued, sitting back in his chair, "I mean, you could have told me, I would have let him know that you were…..involved."

"I didn't think that my personal life was any of your concern James." She countered.

"Well, I was dragged into the middle of it this weekend." He mumbled.

"James?" she asked "Is this you or House, I'm talking to?"

He shook his head from side to side and exhaled "I'm sorry Lisa; look this whole Lucas thing just really caught me off guard. And that brunch, was just…brutal."

She stood up, "which is exactly why I came in, in person, to apologize for the compromising situation I inadvertently put you in."

Wilson narrowed his eyes and nodded slowly. "I'm good," he said "It's House you crushed."

"I know what Lucas did was unacceptable, and believe me…"

"I wasn't talking about Lucas," he said.

"House was angry, and humiliated," she said "but he does not have the emotional capability to be 'crushed' by anything anyone does, especially me." She turned and started towards the door.

"Wait," he called out as she reached for the door. "House, may be an ass, a cold seemingly unemotional ass, but you really hurt him."  
"James, I'm sure…" she began

"Lucas was his friend" he continued. "I mean, how many people does he have as friends?"

She turned and leaned her back against the door.

"Lucas knew how House felt about you. He knew."

"House didn't know how he felt about me," she said, "much less Lucas."

"He knew about the hallucination, about Mayfield. That is incredibly private."

"I made a judgment call." She answered briskly.

"To divulge someone's private information is hardly a judgment call…" he began

"James!" she cut him off, "I made a judgment call, that issue is not any of your concern. I spoke to House this morning, and he is well aware of his rights pertaining to employee confidentiality matters. I came here to apologize to you for any social discomfort I may have caused, not to be judged or lectured. And certainly not to have my private life examined under a microscope."

Wilson stopped, and then looked up at her. "I'm sorry" he said then he paused for a moment before adding, "House is trying to change, he is truly trying to change," he stopped again, before adding "I know that you can see that, and you need to know that Lucas may have …humiliated him, but Lisa….you…you were a really big part of his life."

She turned to face him with her hand on the door knob, "I am living my life James, and I am involved with a man who makes me happy. And, I am able to enjoy my life without having to think about how my every action affects House….or you for that matter. I am tired of playing games. I am sorry if I hurt him, I am sorry I involved you, but I am not sorry that I became involved with Lucas." She opened the door, then turned to face him, "thank you James," she said "I'm sure you understand."

_*****Sorry so short, more to come…..if you review that is !!!!!! Come on, just do it !***************_


	5. Chapter 5

****_One more quick chapter. Thanks to all of you for the many tips on where to take this !! Whew, plenty of Cuddy haters out there !!!*************_

_Later_

Later that night Wilson heard the familiar jingle of the keys in his door before House pushed it open and limped inside.

"Hey" he called out looking up from his laptop at the table. "You're home late. How's your patient?"

"Stable." House answered as he limped over to the couch where he shrugged his coat off, and dropped both it and his backpack off before sitting down heavily.

"I left you some chicken." Wilson said, his eyes going back to the computer screen he was focused on.

"I'm good." House mumbled, rubbing his hand over his face before leaning his head back and closing his eyes.

"You ate?" Wilson asked incredulously, looking up from the screen to stare at his friend across the room.

"Sorry mom!" House replied sarcastically without opening his eyes.

"It's just that I have never known you to pass up a free meal," he shrugged, "especially for Hospital food."

"Maybe I went out and grabbed a burger on the way home." House answered, "Maybe I went out with someone who paid for my meal." He continued.

"You were on a date?" Wilson replied, even more shocked than before.

"Why is that so surprising?" House countered leveling his gaze.

"It's just that…well….you never usually…" he stammered.

"Relax," House exhaled. "I wasn't on a date, I didn't grab a burger. I'm just not hungry. Is that OK with you?"

"You're in a good mood." Wilson whispered returning to his computer.

House looked at him then shut his eyes again. He was in a shitty mood and he was taking it out on Wilson. What other mood could he possibly be in? Having to walk into work today and face Cuddy; apologetic, firm, professional. It was over. What had he expected? Another hallucination would have been great. He laughed to himself. Too bad he didn't hallucinate the whole thing, the convention, the dance, the humiliation of her lying to him about Rachel, sitting with Lucas….everything. A great big shitty hallucination. He would drive himself back up to Mayfield, three more months, four more months any amount of time…and when he came back she would still be waiting. Her soft grey eyes spilling over with tears, her hand resting on his face, worried, in love. Had he imagined that too? He wasn't so sure any more. What was real and what wasn't?

"Shit," he muttered and pushed himself up to limp quietly down the hall.

Wilson looked up from his computer. "Shit is right." He whispered to himself. He had been worried about this. Bracing himself actually for the fallout of that stupid convention. If only he hadn't asked him to go. He would have seen Cuddy with Lucas, he could have warned House. Let him down easy.

He heard the shower turning on. Of course House would be crushed. He had been hiding his feelings for Cuddy for what, about five years now? Hiding them even from himself. House had avoided talking about it the whole way home from the convention, and he had humored him, but now…well he knew a crash was coming.

He waited for the shower to shut off, for the familiar limping footsteps to make it across the hall. He gave him an additional ten minutes then headed to his room.

"House," he called knocking on the door, "can I come in?"

"What?" he heard from behind the door.

Wilson cracked the door and stuck his head in; his friend was sitting on his bed, a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Oh, sorry," Wilson mumbled "I thought you were dressed."

"Notice I didn't say 'come in!'" House answered sarcastically

"Well, I…Ahhh…want to go out for a beer or something?" Wilson asked cautiously.

"You are so transparent." House replied.

"What? I…"

"I'm fine," House answered, "I'm tired, my leg hurts, my head hurts…"

"Is that why you're just sitting there?"

"I'm sitting here, because you won't let me get dressed!" House answered. "I don't need a babysitter Wilson, I'm a big boy."

"I wasn't trying to 'babysit' you, I just thought…today was probably rough. Cuddy, and….well…" Wilson let his voice trail.

"Cuddy's dating Lucas." House said matter if factly. "She can date whoever the hell she wants." He paused for a moment then looked up. "Even if it's a brainless twit like Lucas."

"I can't believe it myself," Wilson added, "he's so….I don't know….sleazy."

House laughed under his breath, "sleazy huh? Worst than me?"

"An ex-vicodin addict, with a history of mental instability and a penchant for hookers? Yes, he is way worst than you." Wilson smiled, and backed out of the room. "Come out and have a beer House" he called out.

Wilson shut the door, and headed into the kitchen, he got two beers out of the fridge and went over to the couch, and he sat and turned on the TV. Within minutes he heard his friend's familiar gate, and House was soon plopping down next to him on the couch, reaching for a beer.

House was quiet for a moment, watching as his friend switched through the channels on the TV. "Did you ever have the feeling that Cuddy….when she was with me…did you think?" he asked.

"Yup" Wilson answered without looking up. "I had the feeling."

House didn't look at him. "What feeling?" he asked quietly.

"The feeling." Wilson answered, stopping briefly on a cooking show.

"Thought that maybe I was crazy." House responded taking a gulp out of his beer.

"You were crazy," Wilson answered, "but not about that."

They both sat silently watching the screen, for a minute. "When you left for Mayfield," he shook his head lightly and never took his eyes from the screen "she were really upset….she cried for about a week."

House pressed his lips together and nodded slightly. "Switch this shit Wilson." he said and that ended their conversation for the night.

************_Don't be shy, review review review !!!!! Ping me !!*************************_


	6. Chapter 6

_***Sorry such a long wait. Thanks for the reviews and the tips for those of you who sent them. I liked reading all of the input. Please keep it coming.********_

Unfixable

A week had gone by and he had hardly seen Cuddy. His patient had been diagnosed without the need for any risky, expensive or invasive procedures, so he had no need to see her. Cameron had spotted the telltale red bulls eye of a tick bite, hidden under his hairline. Guy had been a hunter, out on Martha's Vineyard for a long weekend, one tick bite was all it took ; lymes and babesiosis. Both un-noticed for months, he had attributed it all to a flu.

He had stuck to his clinic duty. Gone above and beyond really. All his hours clocked, all his files filled out. Granted Cameron did most of the work, he just signed and copied. It wasn't worth seeing Cuddy. Nothing was.

He stayed in his room when he was at Wilsons. But most of the time he wasn't there at all. He went back to his own apartment as much as he could. He walked around, looked at his stuff, sat at the piano, played for hours.

He would get back in late at night and face Wilson, his warden. Pretending to be up, to be friendly, to be unworried.

Who was he kidding his behavior was worrysome, even to himself. He was depressed and he knew it. This time he knew it. He was falling, falling, and there was nothing to buffer. Nothing and no-one. He was alone. Bad place to be.

Sometimes, like on this night, he sat in his office, at his desk and just dimmed the light. He kept a file open in front of him, and his hand on the ball. Sometimes he spun it, sometimes he picked at the fur, sometimes he just rubbed at it with his thumb.

His phone rang , it was Wilson.

"Hey" he said, he could hear music in the background.

"Come out for a burger." Wilson said above the din.

"Not hungry." He answered.

"Bullshit," Wilson replied, "you're always hungry."

"Got a patient." He mumbeled.

"You don't have anything." Wilson stated, "talked to Chase, who by the way is just as worried as…"

"I'll be over in five." House cut him off and flipped the phone shut. The last thing he wanted was to give Wilson reason for a heart to heart.

He packed up his bag, shut the light and headed out towards the elevator.

The doors were just about to close when he saw her. She was walking briskly towards the elevators, and by the time she spotted him alone in there it had been too late to change course. He had watched her, his expression unchanging as the door slowly shut, and at the last possible moment her small hand had reached inside and grabbed it.

"House!" she exclaimed as the door halted and began opening.

He didn't say anything, and she stepped inside reaching forward to press the "L" button.

"It's customary to hold the door when people are trying to get on." She said, holding some files to her chest.

"You could have taken the next one." He answered coldly.

"You could have waited !" she bounced back.

He turned to face her and his eyes, narrowed slightly as thry found hers. "you, could have waited." He countered.

"For the next…?" she began, confused.

"For me." He stated blankly.

"House ?" she questioned, searching his eyes and fidgeting with the corners of the files.

He reached forward with his cane and pressed the "stop" button, the elevator bounced softly before it stilled. "I was only gone for three months." He said

"What ?" She blinked, she had heard him, she just couldn't believe her ears.

"I was only gone for three months,." He repeated, thenleaned his head back and stared at the ceiling. "you could have waited."

She exhaled deeply. "Waited for what House ?"

He tapped his cane briefly on the floor, before reaching out and pressing the "L" button with it's tip.

"For me" he answered staring at her again, his gaze unwavering.

The elevator stopped and the door opened into the bustelig lobby. She turned to look at him, her eyes looked moist. "I waited for five years, House !"she said before turning and walking briskly out of the eleator and across the lobby.

She made it across the parking lot and into her car, before the reers started. She couldn't start the car, could barely get the keys in the ignition. She sat in the dark and rested a hand on her forehead. She hadn't meant to fall in love with Lucas. It had happened so fast. Too fast in fact. One minute, she had been having coffee and crying about House, the next moment she had been in his arms.

And there was Rachel to consider. She loved him. Always squeeling with delight and kicking her chubby legs wheneer he came neer.

She leaned her head back and had begun to catch her breath whe she heard aknock on the glass of the passenger door. She jumped up startled, and turned to see House leaning and knocking on the window.

Against her better judgment, she turned the key andcracked the window.

"Can I come in ?" He asked

"No" she answered ,looking in her purse for a tissue.

"It's cold out here." He persisted.

"Go inside then." She replied, pulling a tissue out and dabbing her eyes.

"Come on Cuddy !" he whispered, "Please."

She looked at him and popped the locks. Slowly he opened the door and sat inside, easing his injured leg beside him before shutting the door.

They were silent for a moment then he turned to face her. "Sorry I made you cry." He said.

She nodded. "You didn't….I just…."

"This Lucas thing…..I, ah…" he couldn't find the words, "I needed to…"

"I know I hurt you." She whispered. "I'm sorry."

He leaned his head back against the seat, "It's hard to get used to." He said, his eyes closed.

She shook her head a little, "House, we always flirted, bantered, teased…but there was nothing. And I tried, after Joy I…I wanted to, to be with you but…."

"I wasn't ready." He said, opening his eyes and keeping them fixed on the ceiling.

"And then Rachel came along and…" she shrugged softly.

"You don't need to explain yourself to me," he said, turning to face her.

"I knew you didn't accept Rachel, or me as a mother, or…" she continued.

"I don't need to hear this." He cut her off, "and besides, it's not true." He whispered.

"Oh House," she turned to face him, "Don't tel me that you were happy for one minute when I adopted…"

"I didnr say I was happy!" He cut her off, "I didn't accept anyone or anything back then, it wasn't focused on you or her, or your….motherhood."

"I didn't think you would ever want…" she paused for a moment and looked down at her lap, "to be involved with a woman….with a child, a single…"

"Oh stop with the 'single mother' crap Cuddy," he fixed his eyes on her, "It's you we're talking about…you and me." He stopped and turned to look out he window. "You didn't want an egotistical, pill popping lunatic near your new baby."

"House, that's not true !" she pleaded.

"It is true," he smirked, "and I don't necessarily blame you." He sook his head lightly from side to side, "I just wish you would have told me sooner."

She put the key in the ignition and started the car. "I'm sorry."

He opened the door, then turned to face her, "you didn't think it would work did you ?" he asked.

"I didn't think what would work ?"She sighed.

"Mayfield."he answered, easing himself out of the car. "you thought I was, unfixable."

"That's not true !" she exclaimed.

"You were right." He mumbeled, and slammed the door into the night.

_*****Sorry such a long wait.**************Please review !!!!Keeps me sane !!!!_


	7. Chapter 7

**** Short but sweet –well not sweet actually. ****

_Intimidation_

House slammed the door and limped across the parking lot towards his bike. It was cold, but he was still riding to work on his own instead of carpooling with Wilson. One of these days he would have to get a decent vehicle he thought, as he heard a car approaching slowly, and found himself momentarily in a flood of headlights.

He turned and shielded his eyes, with an upturned hand, expecting Cuddy to get out of the car.

The lights turned off, and the door opened, but it was Lucas who got out, not Cuddy.

House turned back around, ignoring him, and commenced putting his keys in the ignition.

"What's the matter?" Lucas called out, as he approached, "No hello?"

"How about goodbye." House answered as he swung his leg over and straddled his bike.

"Hey, not so fast." Smiled Lucas reaching over and pulling the keys out of the ignition. "No time for a quick chat?"

House hooked his helmet on the handle bars and extended his hand. "Give me my keys ass wipe."

Lucas kept his goofy grin on and took a step back leaning against the hood of his own car, "Is that how you refer to an old buddy?"

House swung his leg over his bike, and leaned softly against it, his fingers drumming gently on the tank. "You're no buddy of mine," he said softly, and once again extended his hand. "Keys!"

"Listen," Lucas continued, looking down at his feet for a moment before looking up into House's eyes. "I was just wondering what you were doing with my girlfriend, you know, in her car."

"Are you for real?" House asked shaking his head from side to side.

"Well," Lucas continued, still smiling. "She didn't look to happy pulling out, so I figured that you probably…"

"She's not happy because she's stuck with a pre-pubescent boyfriend who's a jack-ass." House finished standing up and taking the few steps towards the car without the help of his cane.

Lucas laughed, "Leg looks good buddy," he nodded before adding. "She's not stuck with me you know, she chose me….over you pretty much." He shrugged. "Wonder why?"

House stood before him and tapped his cane lightly on the pavement. "Are you done _intimidating_ me", he asked. "It's getting kind of cold out here."

"Just want to make sure you get the message buddy." Lucas smiled wide. "I'm with Lisa now. She's my girl," He shrugged. "Just cut the crap. You and her, whatever you _thought_ you had, it's over, if it even existed. So stop following her, stop upsetting her. Stop the games." He looked up and held the keys towards House, his face oddly serious, "This isn't fun anymore House." He finished.

House leaned forward and snatched the keys out of his hand. "The fun's just begun for me…_buddy_." He said limping over and straddling his bike once again.

Lucas pushed himself off the hood of his car and jammed his hands in his pocket. "Don't do this House." He said smiling once again. "Don't mess with me cause you have no one. Believe me, no ones gonna get you out of this one. Not your team, who can barely stand you, not Lisa, and certainly not that dopey friend of yours who's girlfriend you killed." He shrugged "oh and by the way, you better get going, I think he's probably getting tired of waiting for you out at the burger joint."

House started the bike and turned to face Lucas his helmet in hand, "impressive detective work." He said before sliding his helmet on and speeding off down the parking lot.

****Short, I know, but so busy this time of year!!! Drop a line. Let me know!!! Oh and BTW, love the PM's with suggestions. Keep em commin' ! ******************


	8. Chapter 8

*****_Sorry such a long wait guys. The holidays took over every single second of my life !!! Now im back. More to follow quickly.*************_

_Easy to Slip_

House rode towards the bar, towards his meeting place with Wilson; towards a night of eating and drinking and bullshit. It was exhausting really, having to pretend things were all right all the time. It was exhausting to never have the edge taken off his day.

He pulled up in front of the bar and still sitting on his bike looked over to the windows; lights, people, cheer. None of which he wanted to deal with on a night like tonight.

He stayed on his bike and headed towards the nearest liquor store, picking up a fifth of Whiskey. He was going to go home, to his house. He was going to play his piano and his guitar, look at his books, and drink his whiskey on his couch while he watched his TV.

He pulled into a spot right out front and limped inside. It felt good to be home, great to be home. Wilson was his best friend, and there was no doubt that he was going out of his way to make him feel comfortable. But it was hard to be in someone else's space. He had spent three months at Mayfield before Wilson's; in a sense he hadn't spent any significant time alone in close to five months.

He threw his helmet and jacket on the couch, and headed into his bedroom. He sat on the bed briefly and shut his eyes. "This is where it all happened!" he said aloud with a laugh. "My one non-existent night with Lisa Cuddy." He opened his eyes and turned to look at the bed. It had been so real, so real. Her big grey eyes hooded with passion, looking straight into his, her soft lips forming into a smile before covering him with kisses, her arms around his neck, her body under his. It had been so real.

Yeah, it had felt real, so real, but it had been in his mind, and the reality was that right now Cuddy was with Lucas. And it was his eyes, and his mouth, and his body that was all over her. It was Lucas she wanted, not him. And no matter how unreal it seemed, Lisa Cuddy was gone from his life.

He smirked and pushed himself up limping towards the hallway. Briefly he paused in front of the closet and opened it up. His coats all hung his sneakers in a shoe rack, his golf bag. He reached in and pulled out his putter, his hand dug into one of the pockets and pulled out a golf ball he dropped it on the ground and stilled it with his foot. "Ahhh golfing!" he exclaimed, "My other true love", slowly carefully he took a careful shot into the living room, the ball skirted across the wooden floors.

He leaned against the wall putter in hand and thought back on all those countless days he spent golfing under the bright blue skies. Had he been happy back then? Jesus, he couldn't even remember. How do you quantify happiness? He had Stacy back then, Stacy and his leg. Stacy who loved him so much, that she couldn't bear to be with him after the accident. "I can't sit here and watch you slowly kill yourself!!" she had screamed before slamming the door and walking out.

He reached inside the pocket and fished around for another golf ball, instead he found a pill bottle. He pulled it out and held it up to the light shaking it. Guess Wilson didn't do such a great job cleaning out the place he thought. He held the bottle in his hand and slowly he limped towards the couch, pulling the fifth out of his pocket and walking over to place both on top of the piano.

He went into the kitchen and came back with a glass, filling it a quarter of the way before taking a sip. "Ahhh," he exhaled the taste of whiskey on his breath.

He sat at the piano and ran his finger over the keys. First some some Miles Davis, then some songs he wrote in college, then he went into "Hava Nagila" and he threaded in and out of it a song he had written for Rachel on the night of her Simchat Bat ceremony. Then he went into classical Handel, Bach, Strauss, and Mozart. Everyone that Lydia had loved. All the songs that Lydia had played on that piece of junk, nut house piano, in her heavy handed competent way.

He stopped and looked up at the pills taking a long gulp of Whiskey. He knew exactly what Nolan would tell him to do. Throw them out, walk away, run away, stop, think…..do whatever it takes to stay away. He knew what everone would say, and he didn't care really. He opened the bottle and spilled the contents onto the piano, five pills. Five white little tabs. He wasn't a slave to Vicodin anymore.

He picked up one pill and held it between his fingers, just this once he thought, opening his mouth and dropping it in. He dry swallowed like the olden days, recalling its bitter taste on the way down before chasing it with another gulp.

I'm not an addict, he thought, I'm pissed off, and irate, and I need a break. He knew the reasoning was stupid, he was a doctor for Christ sake, and he had just gone through both rehab and a mental institute. He knew it was bullshit, but he didn't care. I can make it without the pills, he thought, I don't need them….I want them. I want that dull thick hum running through my body, making it easy to not give a shit about anything, or anyone.

He picked up another pill and dropped it in his mouth refilling his glass as well before gingerly placing his fingers on the keys. Had he managed to fall in love with Cuddy, right at the exact moment that she had fallen out of love with him? Slowly he began playing a song, an unfinished song that he had written for Cuddy.

Within minutes he began feeling the soft fuzzy tingle in his fingertips. He smiled and looked at the remaining pills on the piano. The night had just begun.

***********_I know, I know, no one wants to see him fall back into it, don't worry, ill only let him fall so far !!!! Please review !!!! That's what keeps me going."_


	9. Chapter 9

_Easy to fall_

Wilson looked at his phone again to make sure he hadn't missed any calls, and for the fifth time in the past couple of hours he speed dialed House, both on his cell and in his office. Both lines rang briefly before going to his voice mail. He took the last bite of his burger, gulped down the last of his beer and signaled for the check. Sure House was a grown man, but …

A few minutes later he was in his car heading towards his apartment. House was probably there, he assured himself, drunk, or pissed off, grumbling about something or other; or pretending nothing had happened, that he simply didn't feel like showing up and didn't feel like calling.

He knew without opening the door that the apartment would be empty. There had been no motorcycle out front. There was no sound coming from inside, no light coming from underneath the door. He inhaled sharply and pushed the door open.

I'm being an idiot, he thought. House was House, maybe he went to a different bar, maybe he met a girl, or more likely got a hooker. There were a million maybes, but this Cuddy thing had put him in a serious funk. He went about his routine and got ready for bed. With the lights off he lay in his bed, for a moment before turning the lights back on and grabbing his phone. If House was with a woman, he would probably have taken her back to his own place. Quickly he dialed the number for House's apartment; the phone went straight to voicemail.

"Damn it!!" he exclaimed, "Where the hell are you?"

He sat on the edge of the bed for a moment before shaking his head angrily from side to side and getting up to gather his clothes again. He would do a drive-by, a harmless drive-by. It was pointless, after all for him to spend his night worrying.

He knew something was wrong the minute he opened the door. The lights were on, the apartment was silent. He spotted a liquor bottle on top of the piano; it was empty, besides it lay a pill bottle.

"House!" he called out, as he stepped inside. "Greg? Greg?"

He was running towards the hallway, towards the bedroom, when he spotted him, lying on the floor between the piano and the kitchen. He was on his side, his face in a puddle of vomit.

"Shit!" he exclaimed, dropping to his knees besides his friend, "House? Greg !" He called out rolling him to his back. "Greg".

His skin was grey, clammy, he was barely breathing,; he grabbed his wrist and felt a faint pulse . Quickly his fingers pressed to the side of his friend's neck, he could feel a slow weak pulse beneath his fingertips. "Dam it!" he exclaimed reaching inside his coat and fumbling for his cell phone. "Dam it House!"

"This is Dr Wilson," he said quickly into the phone, "I'm going to need an ambulance…"

It was close to dawn by the time House was moved out of the ER and into a room. Wilson had called Cameron from House's apartment and pleaded for her to come in and use her pull in the ER to move his case along. His tox screen showed elevated levels of vicodin, along with alcohol, Prozac, and ativan. It had taken all of Wilson and Cameron's efforts to keep the ER intern who had taken the case from pumping House's stomach. Finally he had reluctantly agreed to push IV fluids and monitor House hourly.

The two of them sat in the hallway outside House's room, and slowly sipped their lukewarm coffee.

"What happened?" Cameron asked. "I thought he was…."

"He was, " Wilson interrupted, "I think he just…..I don't know. I was waiting for him at the bar and….he didn't show so…."

"So?" she asked quietly

"So, I should have gone by his place sooner, he could have killed himself." He mumbled.

Cameron looked down and fingered the edge of the paper cup. "You don't think that maybe, that's what he…"

"No!" he shook his head, "No, not House, he's too….I don't know, too arrogant."

She shrugged, "He just hasn't seemed like himself."

"Well," Wilson looked at her and smiled, "He isn't. He's clean for one, well he was…and, he's trying, he's really trying."

"I didn't even know he was on meds." She whispered, taking another sip from her cup.

"He's on meds, he's seeing someone," Wilson shrugged lightly; "he's making an effort."

"Have you called Cuddy yet?" she asked looking up from her cup.

Wilson laughed. "Cuddy? No!" He ran a hand over his face. "She's half the problem."

"He didn't take it too well; I imagine," she sighed, "this whole Lucas thing."

"No," Wilson said easing himself up, "no he did not." He turned to face her and offered her a hand up.

"I don't exactly blame him." She shrugged, pulling herself up, "I always thought he and Cuddy would end up together."

Wilson raised an eyebrow, "did you?"

"Of course I did!" she laughed smoothing out her lab coat, "everybody did. I guess she just got tired of waiting….I know I did." She added quietly.

"I was never really sure what went on with you two." he said turning to look through the glass at House, lying on the hospital bed.

"Nothing, "she answered going to stand beside him. "Nothing went on, I was in love with him….I think, but House didn't want anything to do with it…with me." She paused a minute then turned to look at Wilson, "He doesn't want to be loved." She added.

"Well," Wilson added, inhaling deeply, "I think he does now, but unfortunately, he's a little too late."

*****_more to come- please review !!!!!!***************_


	10. Chapter 10

_***OK, OK, I'm ready to start making Cuddy suffer !! Nothing like a large dose of guilt !! Believe me, she will do plenty of sobbing before the fic is over. Oh and BTW…… REVIEW ! *******_

_Emotions_

Wilson and Cameron were both still peering through the glass at House, when they heard the rapid sound of footsteps heading their way.

"Why didn't you call me?" Cuddy asked angrily as she approached them. She was dressed in yoga pants and a long sweater, her hair was pulled back in a loose pony tail, and she wore no makeup.

"It was the middle of the night," Wilson started, "and…"

"And what?" she nearly shouted "you didn't think I would care that House, almost O.D'd ?"

"I didn't think I needed to wake you up in the middle of the night." He said, lowering his voice. "And besides, House is stable, so there was no reason…"

"No reason ?" she cut him off sternly " A department head who just spent over two months at a detox and mental facility, who was just recently re-administered his medical licensure nearly O.D's and you don't think there is a reason to call me ?"

"Dr Cuddy, Wilson, "Cameron interrupted, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's almost six am and if I'm no longer needed here…"

"Cameron," Cuddy started with a softer tone, "I'm sorry you have no reason to be a part of this discussion, thank you for everything you've done." She rested a hand on Cameron's forearm, "Dr Emery down at the ER said you held back on a gastric lavage ?"

"I did, " Cameron answered "we both felt that he had vomited everything out of his system, we ran two tox screens an hour apart, and the opiate levels were diminishing enough to substantiate. We pumped him full of fluids, we have him on a cardiac monitor and we are keeping a close eye on his liver functions. By avoiding the lavage," she continued quietly, "we might be able to pass this off as something other than a routine overdose."

"Cameron thank you." Cuddy stated again. "I'm going to have to review his chart, before it goes on file."

"Would you like me to check on him before I go?" Cameron asked tentatively.

"No, no, go get some rest" Cuddy answered with a soft smile, "I'll go in there and check on him in a minute."

They waited for her to be out of ear range before Cuddy turned to Wilson again. "James, I'm sorry I attacked you like that, I'm just….thank you for finding him. What happened?"

"He told me he would meet me out for a burger, then he didn't show, didn't pick up his cell." He looked away from her and through the glass at his friend, "I went home and I couldn't sleep, so I swung by his place, he was laying in a pool of vomit."

She closed her eyes and placed a hand on her forehead, "You should have called me right away." She whispered.

Wilson turned around to face her, "I know that, but right now, you're probably the last person he wants seeing him like this."

She shook her head lightly, "I am his boss, but I'm also his friend."

"I think he's having a hard time remembering that." Wilson said frankly, pressing his lips together in a week smile.

"Listen," he continued softly, "if you're going to check in on him, I'll run up to my office and put in a call to Dr Nolan's voicemail. I want to make sure he knows what happened first thing."

She smiled softly, "I'll go in and check on him, and I'll sit with him until you get back."

"Thanks," He nodded, "I just didn't want him to wake up….alone." He turned, and pushing both his hands into his pockets, he headed down the hallway towards the elevators, his office, and a very difficult phone call.

Cuddy stood and looked through the glass, at House, fast asleep on a hospital bed. She leaned her forehead against the cool glass and shut her eyes for a moment, thinking back on the conversation that had taken place between them the night before.

She knew she had hurt him. Her relationship with Lucas had really crushed him. When he first came back, things had been awkward, he knew, she knew, the hallucination. The fact that he had actually lost his mind, and been committed. But then slowly, slowly the fiery, sexual banter between them had returned. But, ever since the medical convention, he had been nothing but cool, detached, and downright rude to her. Not that she could blame him really.

She had planned on telling him, or Wilson. But at first Lucas was nothing more than a distraction, a fling. She never thought in a million years that they would last. And, by the time their relationship grew serious, it was almost too late to mention it. Greg was getting ready to be released, and she didn't want to throw a monkey wrench in that.

Well, then one thing turned into the next, Greg was back at work, and it was awkward enough without her blurting out the fact that she had begun dating an ex-friend of his.

She knew she had handled it all wrong. Every last bit of it. She should have never let things get so serious with Lucas, when she still had so many unresolved feelings towards House.

With a heavy heart, and a tremendous amount of guilt she placed her hand on the door and pushed it open.

She entered the room, it was darkened and quiet, the only sounds were the steady blip of the heart monitor and House's deep breathing.

She approached the foot of the bed and pulled the chart. She quickly took in the details, knowing she would have to go back over it later. He had ingested Vicodin, of course, alcohol, ambian, Prozac. All of those were in his bloodstream. She hadn't even known he had been on meds for depression, the ambian, had probably been due to her.

She shut her eyes briefly, then opened them and replaced the chart.

She looked over at House. He looked old, haggard; his skin was grey and sallow. He had deep purplish bags under his eyes, and his short buzzed hair and beard were streaked with grey. She had been so fixated on avoiding him, avoiding looking at him that she hadn't really noticed just how much he had changed. She could tell now, as she approached the side of the bed, that he had lost a large amount of weight as well.

She walked to the side of the bed and stood beside it, looking down at the man she had been in love with for the past five years. How had she overlooked all these changes in him? She had been so caught up in her relationship with Lucas, in her right to have a life outside of PPTH and House that she had shut herself off to him. She had pushed herself, head first into a relationship, and she had simultaneously pushed House out.

She reached a hand out and gently rested it on his chest. She was exhausted, physically, emotionally, on every level.

She lowered the rail on the side of the bed and pulled a chair up beside it. She sat down, and leaned forward resting her elbows n the mattress, and holding her chin in her hands.

"Oh House," she whispered, "why?"

Then she closed her eyes and tried to hold back the tears. She knew "why". House had lost everything, he had lost everything and been committed to a psychiatric ward for over two months. And when he came back, she had been gone. His one source of constant, caring, and support, had disappeared, been replaced by someone cold, distant, and eager to show him how completely uninvolved she was.

The tears started to fall, followed by quick, silent sobs and she placed her head in her arms. She had abandoned him just when he needed her the most.

From deep within his sleep House began to rouse. He felt the bed trembling softly and heard the quiet hushed sound of stifled sobs.

Slowly he opened his eyes, fighting a headache that felt as if someone was driving a gigantic wedge inside his skull. He was in a darkened room, an unfamiliar bed, but a very familiar sound. The constant steady blip of a heart monitor. Had he fallen asleep at work?

He closed his eyes again, and slowly began reconstructing the events of the following night. The talk with Cuddy, the confrontation with Lucas. The feelings of anger and despair that had driven him to his apartment, to the bottle of liquor, to the bottle of pills.

He opened his eyes again slowly, and took in his surroundings. Shit, he thought a hospital room, a heart rate monitor, and an IV. Someone must have found him, Wilson.

He turned his head slightly towards the soft sobbing sound, and his eyes rested on Cuddy, her head resting in her arms, as she quietly sobbed on his hospital bed.

He must have pushed her over the edge, he thought. With tremendous effort, House raised his arm and gently placed over her back. "I'm sorry Cuddy!" he whispered, "I'm sorry!"

****** Come on guys – Give up some reviews !! It's hardly worth the effort without some heartfelt reviews !!********************


	11. Chapter 11

_**sorry so short, will be quicker about posting I promise. But if anyone has any suggestions, please PM me.******_

_Expectations_

Cuddy raised her head. Her eyes were red and swollen. "House!" she whispered

He shut his eyes for a moment and kept his hand on her back, "You're crying on the edge of my bed," he whispered "I must have done something."

"You overdosed." She answered softly.

"Ahhh," he whispered, his eyes still shut, "Is that all it took to bring you to my bed?"

"It's not funny House," she shook her head "You could have died."

"And Wilson saved me." He said opening his blood shot eyes, "Lucky for me."

"House, it is lucky for you, and me and everyone." She answered firmly, "what were you thinking?"

"I was thinking," he started, "that being high is better than being straight." he paused and looked at her, "sometimes."

She lowered her eyes, "House, last night, I…."

"Just forget it Cuddy." He mumbled, "Jesus,"

"House," she started again, "I'm sorry about last night."

He shut his eyes again, ignoring her, and pulled his hand from her back. "Where's Wilson? "He asked, "Moving me out?"

She shook her head lightly, "Wilson, is upset, he cares about you."

"Where is he?" he asked again.

"He went to call Dr Nolan." She answered, no longer able to avoid the question.

"Oh Jesus," House groaned, pulling his hand from hers and rubbing his forehead. "He's _telling_ on me?"

"He's not telling, he is worried," she started, "You almost…"

"I took too many pills by accident." He stated tersely, flipping his arm over his eyes. "I just wanted a break."

"A break from what?" She asked softly.

"From everything." He said flatly. "From work, from Wilson, from _you_."

She closed her eyes briefly, stung by his words. "Greg, you can take any amount of time that you need, your position will be waiting when…"

"Nothing waits." He answered.

"Greg," she said, shrugging softly. "I didn't realize that you expected me to wait. If I had known, I would have."

He turned around and fixed her with his beaten, bloodshot, blue eyes, "I didn't _expect_ it," he said flatly, "I didn't _expect_ anything."

She inhaled deeply, and stood up. "I should have been there for you," she said, "I should have…."

He closed his eyes and turned his head from her, "Get Wilson." He said, cutting her off.

She stood up and looked down at him; worn, tired and beaten. What would it feel like, she wondered, to curl up beside him on that bed. To stroke him, and soothe him and tell him that she loved him.

What would it be like to ease his pain? To make him happy, to make him whole.

She reached out and rested her palm briefly on his stubbly cheek, before turning and walking out the door to find Wilson.

*****Sorry so short !! Please review - and suggestions please !! Now what ? *******************


	12. Chapter 12

_***Sorry trying to post as quickly as possible- having a hard time moving this one along. All suggestions welcome. *****_

_Confessions_

The car ride home was mostly silent. In fact the only thing Wilson had said to him all morning was, "Get your stuff, I got you discharged."

House knew his friend was pissed off. He had a pounding headache himself, so it was easy to just lay his head back and shut his eyes.

Eventually, as the silence between them grew, House cleared his throat. "You called Nolan?" It was a question than a statement.

Wilson smacked his hands on the steering wheel, "Yes, I called Nolan. What did you expect? You almost fucking killed yourself Greg!"

He shut his eyes again, "Jesus, calm down." He muttered.

He felt the car suddenly swerve to the right, and he opened his eyes to see Wilson pulling out of the main stream of traffic and onto the side of the road. He slammed on the brakes, put the car in park, and turned on the hazards.

"I WILL NOT CALM DOWN!" he said loudly enunciating every word with great care. "I am your friend, your only friend and your best friend." He said turning to face him. "I took you to Mayfield; I supported you when you were in there. I took you into my home when you got out, and you pull this shit?! No, I will not calm down."

House looked at him stunned by the outburst. He looked out the windshield for a moment then turned to face his friend. "I'm sorry." He said simply.

Wilson shook his head from side to side. "Sorry just doesn't cut it House." He said under his breath, taking off the hazards and putting on his blinker before merging back onto the main road. "Not this time."

House nodded his head and kept his eyes on the road. "Are you kicking me out?" He asked quietly.

Wilson turned to look at him briefly, "Do you even care?" he asked. "Do you care about anything? I mean I really though you had changed."

"Not that it would matter to you," House said under his breath, his eyes still trained on the road ahead, not his friend ranting besides him, "But it was an accident."

"Oh," Wilson smirked, "The pills and the booze accidentally fell down your throat."

"No," answered House quietly, "I took them on purpose; I just didn't think they would….have that effect."

"Well why the FUCK did you take them?" Wilson shouted, "Did you forget the three months you spent at Mayfield?"

House inhaled deeply and shut his eyes. "No, "he answered tersely "I did not."

The rest of the ride was silent. House was surprise, pleasantly so, when Wilson pulled up in front of his apartment building. They rode the elevator up in silence and Wilson unlocked the door, letting House in before him.

House took a step inside and waited for Wilson to shut the door behind him before turning around. "Look," he said "I can be out of here by tomorrow. I just need to…sleep this off."

Wilson shook his head and threw his keys onto the table, "Don't…..just go to sleep House. We can talk later."

House limped down the hallway into his room. Quietly he changed into pajama pants and a fresh t-shirt. He wanted to shower, but his head was pounding and he felt like shit. Barefooted and without his cane he limped across the hallway and into the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and splashed cold water on his face.

"Fuck" he said looking into the mirror. Losing Cuddy was hard. Losing Wilson was not a possibility. He shook his head and gripped the edge of the sink. There was no way he could go through it alone. By "it" he meant his life. Wilson was all he had. He just, he just couldn't be completely alone.

He walked out of the bathroom and limped down the hallway towards the living room and kitchen. Wilson had his back to him and was making coffee.

"Last night," he started, talking to Wilsons back, "after I talked to you, I bumped into Cuddy." Wilson turned on the coffee maker then turned to face him leaning his back against the counter. "We talked a little in the elevator, then in her car." House leaned against the door jamb and absentmindedly rubbed his thigh, "I guess I was pretty forthright, as forthright as I've ever been, about….us…and well," he looked down and smirked shrugging, "I guess she made it pretty clear that there never was an 'us'….or will be, for that matter."

"House," Wilson said softly, "You should have called me; I could have come to…."

"When I was done talking with her," House continued, cutting him off, "I was getting on my bike, and I got…accosted, by that douche bag Lucas."

"What do you mean 'accosted'"? Wilson asked narrowing his eyes.

"He just, tried to intimidate me." House laughed, "the guys such an ass. But," he started, pinching his fingers over his eyes, "after having had that talk with Cuddy. He just got to me. I was pissed off. I got some booze went home to play my piano." He looked up and met Wilson eye to eye, "I wasn't looking for those pills. I just couldn't avoid taking them."

"I'm sorry." Wilson said slowly, "I never even gave you a chance to explain."

"Yeah well," House turned around hoping to avoid anything further.

"House," Wilson called out, "I know this has been hard, living here, the Cuddy thing. Just…just don't go back to the pills."

House paused as he was heading down the hall, and nodded once, his back to Wilson before entering his room.

Wilson waited until he heard House's door shut. He poured himself a coffee, and looked up at the clock. He still had a couple of hours before going in. He picked up the phone and dialed.

"Cuddy its Wilson." He said quietly.

She took a deep breath before answering. "How is he?" she asked.

"You should have told me you had a talk with him last night." He said coldly.

She was quiet on the other end.

"I mean this morning," he added quickly. "When we were at the hospital."

"Is that why….did he?" She asked slowly.

"No, no but, Jesus Cuddy, how bad was the talk?" he asked rubbing his forehead.

She leaned back in her chair in her office and shut her eyes. "It was…it's very hard to face him. I didn't know that he would come out of that place and…Wilson, I'm with Lucas now and he needs to face that."

"He's facing it every day." Wilson said under his breath.

"I should have told you." She said quietly, "I should have told you a lot of things."

"Well," he answered tersely, "I think you need to pull the security tapes from last night, hospital parking lot and take a look at them."

"What?" she asked, "Security? James, I may have talked to him, but NOTHING happened. Are you insinuating…."

"Cuddy," he started, "I'm not….just pull the tapes."

"James," she said firmly "What is this about?"

He shut his eyes. "Lucas. It's about Lucas. Just….pull the tapes. I have to run."

"Lucas?" she asked into the dead telephone. What on earth had he meant? She picked up her phone and dialed the extension for security. "It's Dr Cuddy," she said briskly, "I need to see a copy of the security tapes from last night. Administrative and handicap parking zones, between 8 and 10 pm. Please send them up as soon as possible. Thank you." She hung up and leaned back in her chair. What could possibly be on those tapes, she thought.

_*****REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW – writing is pointless without them. *********************_


	13. Chapter 13

_****I HATE Lucas – he annoys me so much I almost can't write him! ****************_

_Secrets and lies_

Dr Cuddy looked intently at the security tapes from the hospital parking lot. She had them on high speed and for the most part nothing happened; just blurs of people, moving quickly in and out of cars, in and out of view.

She slowed the video to normal speed when she saw herself walking briskly across the lot, and entering her own car. She could see the characteristic limp of House following her, leaning in to tap and speak in her car window, then the door opening and him carefully getting inside. She sped up the video until she saw the car door open, then she rewound and played at normal speeds his exit. There was nothing different, nothing odd or suspicious, except maybe his beaten look, his slowed down shuffle across the lot and out of view with his shoulders slumped forward and his head hanging low.

There was nothing, nothing. What could Wilson have meant? She sped up the video until its end, and went to the main screen, cuing for footage of the handicap zone in the employee parking lot. Once again she fast-forwarded the tape until she recognized the familiar down-trodden gait of House, making his way towards his motorcycle.

Absurd, she thought to herself as she rewound and started the play at regular speed, that she would have a motorbike parked in the handicapped zone.

She watched as he limped towards his bike, and pause turning briefly to face a flood of headlights. She leaned forward and narrowed her eyes as a familiar nondescript vehicle pulled up in the grainy film. The door of the car opened and out stepped…her boyfriend. "Lucas!" she whispered aloud.

She continued to watch, as House seemingly ignored him, and straddled his bike, preparing to go. She watched, stunned, as Lucas, using a walk she had never seen before, a sort of menacing swagger walked up and snatched the keys out of House's ignition. The older man turned, faced him, and slowly swung his leg over the bike. There was a brief exchange, in which she saw Lucas motion towards House's leg. Then House limped over and took the keys back from Lucas, he got back on his bike, paused for a moment and left.

She stopped the video, the image frozen on her boyfriend as he approached the bike, hands in his pockets, chin held smugly up, an odd look on his face.

She rewound and watched again. This was not possible. This was not Lucas. She watched and paused, and rewound again, searching for any clues that would shed light on the bizarre soundless encounter before her eyes.

There was no sound. In an effort to meet the budget, she herself had vetoed the decision to upgrade the external security to video and audio. No, there was no sound, but the footage was pretty clear. It was nothing to cause alarm, nothing to raise a red flag in terms of hospital surveillance. Two men, a friendly conversation. But she knew the men, and she suspected that there was nothing friendly about that encounter.

Lisa Cuddy shut her eyes and rested her head in her hands. Lucas was her boyfriend, her easy, always there, always happy and reliable boyfriend. He had nothing to hide, no dark secrets, no addictions, nothing. She thought about the tape and pressed her lips together. Obviously House had told Wilson. As administrator she had the responsibility of providing a safe working environment for all her employees.

As a woman she had a responsibility to herself. She had let Lucas into her heart, her home, her bed and most importantly into her daughter's life.

She looked at her watch; Rachel would be up soon, her day should be just getting ready to start. She ejected the disk, and placed it in her desk drawer, before grabbing her bag and heading towards the elevators.

20 minutes later Lisa Cuddy pulled into her driveway, and quietly entered her home. Dropping her bag on the table and slipping of her shoes, she quickly headed down the hall and into her darkened bedroom.

"Hey baby," Lucas whispered in a scratchy sleep filled voice.

"Lucas," she said softly sitting on the bed beside him.

"How did it go?" he asked softly, "everything okay?"

"I ….I need to talk to you." She answered quietly.

"Hmmm," he moaned softly wrapping an arm around her waist, "What's going on?"

"I was looking at some hospital security tapes," she began, "and you were on them."

"What?" he sat up slowly.

"What was going on with you and House last night?" she asked.

"What?" he answered groggily, running a hand through his hair, "Nothing, nothing was going on, baby what …?"

"I saw you on the tapes." She said getting up from the bed.

"Yeah, well I was on the tapes." He answered, "I was having a chat with him. What's this about?"

"It looked like more than a chat." She whispered firmly heading towards her closet, "It looked like some type of confrontation and…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy," he held up a hand and flipped the blankets off, "It was not a confrontation, I was just telling him to ease off."

"Ease off what?" she turned to face him, "ease off me?"

"Yeah," he said getting up, naked, and heading towards her, "I was just telling him to ease off you. It was just a chat."

She grabbed his pants off the chair and tossed them to him, "get dressed." She said turning her back. "Chats don't usually start with someone yanking the keys out of someone else's ignition." She said vehemently.

"Jesus Lisa," he said as he sat on the edge of the bed and began dressing, "if I had known that you would be this upset, I…."

"How the hell did you think I would feel?" she asked loudly, "you come to the hospital that I run and accost one of my employees, and a close friend in the parking lot after hours! How do you think that looks?"

"House is hardly a close friend." He mumbled, standing up to button his pants.

"Excuse me?" she spun around.

"A close friend wouldn't upset you like he did." He answered calmly, "I saw him getting out of your car."

"And how did you see that?"

"How do you think?" He answered. "I'm a PI Lisa, it's what I do."

"Well," she walked up and stood inches from his face, "You have no business investigating me."

"And you have no business putting me through the third degree every time that so called 'close friend' of yours gets himself into trouble." He answered, staring her straight in the eye.

"What," she asked coldly, "is that supposed to mean?"

Just then they heard the soft gurgling laughter and baby talk of Rachel waking up, over the monitor.

He looked at her in the eye, before shaking his head from side to side, "I'm going to get Rachel," he said softly, "you should get ready for work."

"Lucas, "she grabbed his arm, stopping him, "What did you mean by that?"

"Jesus Lisa," he shrugged her arm off, "I know what he did. I'm a PI. Do you think I'm going to let the woman I love rush off in the middle of the night without finding out why?"

Her mouth gaped, stunned by what she had heard. "Get out!"

"What?" He put a hand on her shoulder, "I love you babe, I'm checking on you because I'm worried."

"Worried about what?" she glared, "I've made it on my own for 38 years without someone investigating my every move."

"Lisa…" he began.

"Lucas," she cut him off. "Please go. I am incredibly upset and tired…"

"Let me get Rachel while you change," he offered.

"I don't want you here right now." She said briskly.

"Ok," he smiled, "you don't want me here, but you go running in the middle of the night because that jack-ass decides to OD."

"That's confidential information." She replied curtly.

""You know what?" he said pulling his shirt over his head, "I love you. I love you and I love Rachel. House is a fucking virus, he…"

Cuddy turned and put a hand up to stop him. "Lucas, I need you to go please."

"I know that." He said sharply, "Lisa, I didn't do anything. I saw him harassing you, I told him to stop. Simple. End of story." With that he turned and headed down the hallway and towards the front door.

Cuddy pushed him and all of her anger and tears out of her mind for the moment as she hurried down the hallway to her daughter.

She had gotten used to Lucas. Used to his help with Rachel, to his goofy, easy ways, but last night he had shown a side that she did not like. A sneaky malevolent side that she had been suspicious of ever since his reaction to House at the medical convention.

She thought that she loved him; she loved the ease with which he fit into her life. But now, with House in the hospital, and her long work day already filling up with problems, she had to push all thoughts of him aside and try to get herself ready while juggling her sweet baby alone.

******Please review!!!! Nothing better than waking up to a blackberry crammed with reviews! ******

.


	14. Chapter 14

_Wow - I am happy to be writing for all you Lucas haters ! I HATE him – and think he is revolting. But It will take more than a video to deter Cuddy. She's annoying me too this season. I think her character has taken an unrealistic turn this season. Anyhoo – keep the reviews coming !!! (Oh and BTW – Blackberry ok, nice to get e-mails on the fly )_

_Homework_

"So," Dr Nolan drummed his fingers softly on his desk, "you lasted longer than I had predicted."

"Very funny," House answered, slumping onto the couch.

"Actually, I'm not trying to be funny," he answered, "I felt pretty certain that you would slip. And," he continued as he flipped through the charts on his desk, "I'm also quite certain that this was not a true overdose."

"Yeah well….BINGO !" House said sarcastically.

"What I don't understand," he continued calmly, "Is why you are so aggravated with me?"

House shook his head lightly, "I'm not aggravated with you, I'm aggravated in general. And I have a massive hangover. I don't want to be here."

"Yet you came." He said leaning back.

"Yeah, I came. Wilson called you and…he's pretty pissed off right now so…you do the math."

"You came because you feel guilty?" Nolan started, nodding with approval, "That's a start, a definite step forward; you care about what James thinks."

"Jesus," House groaned, "I can't do this now….my brain hurts."

"Ok, ok. Let's move this forward," Nolan conceded, "So, you slipped up, you had a little too much to drink, and somehow you found some vicodin. You were in your apartment, you were alone, and it was late, what was the trigger?"

"Are we doing this?" House asked, slumped over on the sofa, "I don't want to do this."

"Greg," Nolan got up and poured a glass of water walking it over to the sofa, "have some water, relax, lay down if you need to. I'm not here to add extra pressure, let's get that clear" he said softly as he held the glass towards him. "This is a place where you can come to talk, to unload your burdens, not take them on."

House looked up at him with his deep blue eyes, and reached for the glass, chugging half of it down. "I was pissed off." He said simply, resting the glass in front of him on the coffee table.

"Okay," Nolan nodded, moving to sit across from him on a chair, "what was it that angered you, was it work or…"

"Cuddy." He cut him off. "It was Cuddy and that jack-ass, asshole Lucas."

"Ahhh," Nolan folded his hands and rested them on his lap. "You've had an undeniably tough situation to deal with since you've been back Greg." Nolan said, "I've been incredibly proud at how well you've done, and how hard you've tried. Incredibly proud."

House nodded, and shifted his eyes uncomfortably to stare at the glass of water that sat on the coffee table. He wasn't used to this level of sincere praise.

"So," Nolan continued, "Somehow Dr Cuddy, and her current partner Mr. Douglas affected you more than usual on that evening?"

House nodded, "I had a talk with Cuddy." He shrugged, "I guess I never really thought it was over between us, but she had a different take on the situation."

"Did she tell you it was 'over'?" Nolan asked cautiously.

House looked up and narrowed his eyes, "she told me it never even was." He nodded, "That was a bitch."

Nolan nodded, "I'm sure it was" he said, "I'm sorry Greg."

"Then," House continued, "Her stupid ass, asshole boyfriend followed me into the parking lot and gave me some pathetic attempt at intimidation."

Nolan nodded thoughtfully, "Did he get physical with you Greg?"

"No, no." House shook his head. "He pushed my buttons. He knows how to push my buttons."

"And how did he do that?"

"He…he's just a little shit." House paused and then looked down into the glass again. "He knows me, so…he knows what to say. All this 'you're alone, you don't have anyone' crap. It's annoying."

"Does Dr Cuddy know that her partner accosted you?"

"No," House answered, "Jesus, no. I'm not going to go running to her."

"I'm curious," Nolan pried, "who are you protecting here, Dr Cuddy, Lucas…or yourself?"

"How intuitive." House smirked sarcastically. "I…its over. He didn't accomplish anything."

"He accomplished angering you enough that you felt the need to…"

"Ok, ok," House interrupted, "I get your drift. He pissed me off. I'm not telling Cuddy. That would be pathetic."

"Would you like me to let her know?" Nolan asked gently.

"No thanks, mom!" House exclaimed, "He's just an asshole."

"Yet, his words affected you deeply."

" I should have never told you." House huffed.

"Do you feel alone?" Nolan pushed.

"Oh Jesus," House moaned "here we go,"

"You're not so alone you know." Nolan cut him off. "You have James, and your team, they came back to work for you. You did tell me they all disbanded once you were gone. You have Dr Cuddy, and believe me she still cares. You have me." He paused and smiled. "You had a tremendous effect on Lydia. People like you when you let them."

House rolled his eyes, then looked away.

"You have your mother. Those neighbors you spoke of. You just need to reach out Greg. You are not so alone."

House nodded silently and looked up. "Cuddy was a big part of my life."

"I know," Nolan nodded. "I had hoped that she would have been part of a support network for you. I've been quite surprised actually by her behavior. But I can imagine, that things seem pretty different from her point of view."

House laughed, "Yeah, well it was constant banter with her, very sexually charged. We were always going back and forth. And I thought it was fun for both of us, I thought she enjoyed it. Now its just…"

"Its different," Nolan finished for him, "She's different, your rapport is different, being sober is different."

House nodded, "Yeah, it sucks."

"Well," Nolan shrugged, "It's different, and you need to find a new 'norm'."

House shut his eyes for a moment and yawned. "This Cuddy thing," he said with his eyes still shut, "It's huge. I really thought that after Mayfield….It's really hard."

"I'm sure that it was incredibly painful to find her with someone else when you returned, almost like a betrayal of sorts." Nolan said

"_Almost_ a betrayal?" House shook his head, "I felt….augh, can we move on please. Please?"

Nolan tapped his fingers on the arm of the chair, "How is it going with James?"

House shrugged, "I miss my house, my stuff, my piano, my music. But…the company is….okay."

Nolan smiled, "I'm glad it's 'okay', I was hesitant about sending you there for so long, I know you don't like a babysitter, but….so much time alone for someone who is a bit of a recluse…."

House shrugged and shut his eyes again, "can we end this soon?" he asked earnestly.

"Greg," Nolan stood up and walked behind him on the couch, "You've been very forthright today. Thank you. And," He said placing a hand on House's shoulder, "You're really remained incredibly self adjusted in face of so many changes in your life since you've come out of Mayfield. You are using so much that you learned to make things work. The one thing is," he smiled and squeezed House's shoulder firmly, "you cannot turn back to the pills, the next time you feel a trigger call me, call James, call….thirteen, anyone….just don't go at it alone."

"Great, "House started pushing himself up, "I can go?"

"Not so fast," Nolan headed back to his desk and leaned against it. "What I would like you to do, between now and next week is a short writing assignment."

"No way," House shook his head, "I already did the bullshit apology letters, and it's about time someone starts apologizing to me."

Nolan laughed, a deep rich laugh, "Not an apology, not a letter, just give me thirty minutes of pen on paper about Dr Cuddy."

House groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Anything and everything, what you like, what you hate, how she makes you feel, how you want her to feel, your past, your… Anything Greg, anything related to your feelings towards Dr Cuddy. Don't make it like a letter – stream of conscious, anything."

House looked up at him and raised an eyebrow "Why?"

"Well," Nolan leaned forward, "when you write like that, stream of conscious, you really get out how you feel. Then you can put the paper down and read it a little later, it's quite useful." He smiled gently, "Especially a nice tool for someone like you, who can have a hard time getting in touch with how they feel."

"That is so gay." House scowled, getting up.

"Just do it Greg," smiled Nolan, as he wrapped an arm around his shoulders, "You are going to stay on your meds, ativan when needed, alcohol only if necessary and you are going to do your homework."

House turned and looked at him through the door. "Uh….thanks," he mumbled, "goodnight."

"Goodnight, my friend," smiled Nolan. "You call me if you need me."

*****Reviews are my muse ! Keep em coming ! Ping ping ping ! ****************************


	15. Chapter 15

_****OK – this was hard. There are so many layers to being jilted – I see a lot of anger, sadness, love, but anger too ! Thanks for great reviews!!!Would love to hear your thoughts about this one- ******_

_The letter_

Cuddy

This is stupid. Half an hour. How do I feel about you. Right now, everything.

I know I seem angry. I am. I am so angry . Why didn't you wait for me? You waited for so long, how could you leave me in the final stretch. How could I lose you to Lucas ? To anyone. We have twenty years between us. Fuck. Why didn't you wait?

At the convention, when we were dancing at that stupid 80's party, I felt so good, so alive. I wanted to stay like that all night. Talking and holding you, being able to dance with you. You felt so incredible in my arms. You can be so beautiful and sweet. I wanted you so much.

You lied to me about Rachel. When I heard her voice coming from your room I was seized with panic. I thought I was losing my mind again. Another hallucination, Mayfield, My license gone. It never even crossed my mind that you could be lying to me; lying to cover up Lucas. It made me sick to see him, to see your face. I felt like I was detoxing again. You fucking killed me that day.

You told him everything about my breakdown. Fuck, he can sit there smugly and talk about it over breakfast. After he spent the night screwing you. "You were his savior." You fucking humiliated me so much. I cant even put down on paper what that was like. You were so coy and embarrassed. How the hell do you think I felt? I hated you then. Hated you. It felt like you had crushed all of my ribs at once.

And by the way, I _do_ blame you for my leg. You knew I didn't want to do the surgery. You let Stacy make the proxy choice for me _after_ you put me in a coma. You know damn well that you could have brought that option up when I was awake and I would have said NO! I know the legality of it, the medical responsibility. All of it. You never said you were sorry. _Greg, I'm sorry_.

Do you know what it's like to have to come to work for someone you knew in medical school? Someone who was under you when you were the greatest dam hot shot there was and have to practically beg for a job because, as you never stopped telling me, you are deemed un-hirable. It sucks. Every day with your smug look, and your clinic hours you let me know that you did me a favor.

And then, that's it, my leg goes, Stacy goes and I'm alone in pain, crippled and addicted to vicodin. And you wonder why I am so angry and obnoxious. Chronic pain. Abandonment. Addiction. Humiliation. Frustration. Loneliness. You know any of those terms?

I love vicodin. I love the slow hum of it going through my body and washing everything away. Not just my leg pain, everything. Now I cant do that anymore. I have to cope on my own.

You are so beautiful. Every day, every single day inside Mayfield I thought of you. I love the way you smile at me. Even, when I'm annoying you, you just cant help it. I love your eyes.

I was so scared in your office that night. My mind is everything to me. It's everything. You put your hand on my face and just pulled me out, I looked into your eyes and you just pulled me out.

In my hallucination you did the same thing, rubbed my back, helped me puke, pressed a washcloth to my head and brought me tea. In Mayfield, they strapped me to a bed, and gave me a bowl on the floor like a fucking dog. I suffered, I hurt, and I thought of you.

You don't think I would rather believe it was you. Stroking my back and handing me ginger? And the next day, seeing you all curled up on my sofa, holding your tea cup, in your hands. Making love to you. Making love to you. Finally having you.

Shit, that never happened.

At Mayfield, they undid the shackles and moved me to the nut house. Every fucking day I thought that you would call, come, anything. I wanted more than anything to feel your hand pressed against my face, to look inside your eyes, and hear you tell me that I would make it. That I would pull through. You never even fucking called. I needed you. _I NEEDED you._

While I was there, in a psychiatric hospital, trying to recover you were here, shacking up with Lucas. I resent every single aspect about you two as a couple. He stole you from me. I _hate_ him.

I know I was toying with you at work, but I never thought that you were toying with me. I actually thought that you were a constant in my life. I thought you were just waiting for me. That I would come back, and we would pick up and move forward. That you would….want…me.

I imagine being loved by you. Making love to you, sleeping with you, waking up in your arms. Were you always so frustrated by me ? I can't imagine making you happy.

I didn't want you to adopt Rachel. I knew what would happen . You wouldn't have any more time for my games. Besides, the prospect of an obnoxious 50 yr old crippled junky didn't seem so alluring any more. Especially not as a father figure.

It's almost half an hour.

I love you. I can't believe that despite all of my efforts, I fell so fucking hard. You are so beautiful, so incredibly beautiful, and smart and sharp, and sexy and bitchy and sweet.

The reason I stayed away from you was that I was afraid of getting hurt. I know you don't believe that. It's true. And after everything I went through, I never thought that it would be you who would hurt me the most.

Work - I knew it would get weird. All the fun is gone. I miss you there the most.

Love - I'm ashamed to write it. To even think it. Scared of what it means to accept it. I miss thinking that something was always on the verge of happening.

You have Lucas now. It makes me sick with jealousy and rage to think of you with him. In bed. Naked. Having sex. Talking, laughing, smiling. Do you…………_love_ him ? I don't want to know that.

Fuck. I hate that you are gone. I hate it so much. It makes me so sad, so unbelievably deeply sad.

I feel like all of our years never even happened. I wonder if I imagined them all. You didn't always hate me, did you?

I'm sorry for everything I put you through. I'm sorry that I'm angry. I do anger better than pain.

I have to get over you.

Nolan thinks I couldn't make connections. I just didn't want to. There's no point. It's so much easier from the outside. Yeah, I know what it's like to be loved. It's a liability.

30 minutes.

_*****Wow – hard to get into that mind in that state of mind while in my state of mind !!!! You know what I mean….REVIEWS please !!!***********_


	16. Chapter 16

***OK, obviously he's going to find the letter ! What fun would it be if he didn't ?? Sorry taking so long, now have 3 pieces going at once !!!*******************

_Misplaced _

House finished his essay and re-read it three times in quick succession. Jesus, he thought to himself, no wonder we never could work things out. I practically hate her, he laughed, I hate her and I love her. Maybe I hate her because I love her. He took the two sheets and crumpled them up, tossing them in the garbage. He would right something else, give Nolan a letter like that and he'll be like a dog with a big juicy bone, he'll never drop it.

He picked up a fresh sheet and started tapping his pen on it. He would write a generic essay-

_Cuddy, _he started. _In my time at Mayfield I discovered that my feelings for you are stronger than I had thought._

He stared at the writing and laughed. Ok, he thought, way too generic. He crumpled and tossed.

_Cuddy, _he began again, _I always thought that you were in love with me. _Crumple.

_Cuddy, did you know that Lucas and I were friends? That he was eyeballing you when I first hired him and I told him to back off. I told him you were mine. _Crumple.

He leaned back in his chair and chewed on his pen he needed something good, not as good as the original, but good enough to fool Nolan.

I might have to plagiarize myself he thought with a chuckle. He was just leaning down and fishing the crumpled balls out of the trash when he heard a quick knock, followed by his office door cracking.

"House?" Wilson called, "oh, hey I called your cell and…"

"Apparently I was busy," House cut him off.

"Yes "Wilson replied stepping in, "You were busy going through the trash?"

"Yeah well," House answered, partially unwadding the papers enough to find the ones he was seeking. "I accidentally….what's up?"

"I ah…..I wanted to see if you…" Wilson started.

"Just checking up on me?" House concluded.

"What?" Wilson smirked, "No, House I ….well yeah."

House pushed back from his desk and stood "So, wanna buy me lunch? You can watch me for a whole hour while I eat." He said sarcastically.

Wilson laughed, "What's you afternoon like? We could actually get something better than cafeteria food."

"Well," House smirked, "considering I'm recovering from an accidental overdose, I would say I'm pretty much clear to do whatever I want."

"Ahhh, pulling the sympathy card." Wilson nodded, "how unlike you."

House reached down and grabbed the two crumpled papers and placed them in his top drawer before limping towards his friend. "I'll pull any card I've got," he mumbled, "You should know that by now."

XXXXXXOOOOOXXXXOOOOOXXXXX

Twenty minutes later the two sat across from one another at a small booth at a local diner, House's cell phone buzzed for the third time, and for the third time in a row he silenced it, without looking up from his burger.

"Not picking up?" asked Wilson in-between fries.

"Obviously, it's Cuddy." House answered.

"And if it's important…." Wilson started, interrupted by his buzzing phone.

"If it's important, "House shrugged, with a smile, "She'll call you."

"You are such an ass," Wilson quipped before flipping open the phone, "Hello, uh-huh, I'm with him….I'm not sure…I…would you like to talk to…" across from him House shook his head. "Ok," Wilson continued, "hold on…." He pulled the phone from his ear and covered the mouth piece. "It's Cuddy," he started, "You need to talk to her she needs a copy of your Mayfield release to…."

"I'll get it to her when I get back." House cut him off, "what, it can't wait an hour?"

"Talk to her" Wilson outstretched his hand, and held the phone towards House, who ignoring him took a handful of fries and stuffed them in his mouth.

The phone sat in Wilson's hand, and they could hear the increasingly annoyed voice of Cuddy calling out, "Hello? Hello?"

Finally Wilson put the phone back to his ear, "We'll be back shortly can this….ok, ok" once again he covered the receiver.

"Dam it House, she needs it now, there's a deadline on your malpractice insurance, just where…."

"Drawer" said House through a mouthful of food, "left hand drawer, in a file, labeled….whatever Cameron would label important stuff like…."

"Forget it," Wilson said, flipping the phone shut, "she hung up, just make sure you turn it in, as soon as we get back."

"Ok dad, I'll do that." House nodded before taking another bite.

XXXXOOOOOXXXXXXOOOOOO

Lisa Cuddy hung up the phone, "drawer" being the last thing she heard, as she hurried down the hallway towards House's office, wondering why on earth he always left everything to the last minute. She had sent him at least two memo's asking for copies of all pertinent release forms so they could be submitted to the hospital attorneys. Obviously his stint in Mayfield had just about doubled his malpractice premium.

She walked through the empty conference room, making a mental note to find just what in the world his entire team of four did when he disappeared like this, and pushed into his empty office.

There were a couple of crumpled papers on his desk, which she ignored. Unlike him, she hated snooping, he had said drawer, and if it wasn't clearly visible she would leave an obnoxious note waiting for him on his desk. She opened the top drawer, and scanned quickly, there on top were three much wrinkled papers which immediately caught her attention, her name "Cuddy" was scrawled in his large messy print across the top. She paused for a moment then picked one up.

_This is stupid. Half an hour. How do I feel about you. Right now, everything._

Oh God, she thought replacing the top paper, this must be some sort of…therapy. There was no way that she was going to read his private therapy writing. Even if it was about her. Even if this was possibly the only way that she would ever know what he thought about….No. she looked down and was reaching to shut the drawer when the next couple of sentences jumped out at her.

_I know I seem angry. I am. I am so angry. Why didn't you wait for me?_

She turned her head sideways and scanned, unsure if she should continue her intrusion, the words she picked up stunned her.

_You felt so incredible in my arms. You can be so beautiful and sweet. I wanted you so much._

She stopped, reached in and pulled out the sheaths of paper. Slowly her hand crept up to fidget subconsciously with the pearls she had around her neck. As she read, her eyes filled with tears, and she found herself pressing her lips together to suppress a sob.

_You fucking killed me that day._

_You fucking humiliated me so much. _

_You never said you were sorry._

She read through the first page and quickly reached into the desk for page two; his breakdown, Mayfield.

_I was so scared in your office that night._

_They strapped me to a bed, and gave me a bowl on the floor like a fucking dog_

_I wanted more than anything to feel your hand pressed against my face, to look inside your eyes, and hear you tell me that I would make it._

_I NEEDED you._

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before reaching for the final piece.

_I love you. I can't believe that despite all of my efforts, I fell so fucking hard._

_I never thought that it would be you who would hurt me the most. _

_I have to get over you._

And finally, the last words, scribbled roughly at the end.

_I know what it's like to be loved. It's a liability._

She placed the letter back in his desk drawer, where she had found it and shut the drawer before hurrying out of his office. In the elevator she tried hard to compose herself. She took a few deep breaths and smoothed her skirt.

She reached her office quickly and shut herself had no right to have seen what she just saw. No right to feel the way she did. That sinking dead weight feeling inside her chest, as if her heart had turned into a stone, a 100 pound leads stone.

She had no idea that she had ever made him feel the way he did. She didn't even think he was capable of feeling the way he did. She had always enjoyed the cat and mouse. The bitchiness, the snide comments, it had all been part of the game, their game. She had never known that at some point, those comments had sliced right through him.

And Mayfield, Lucas, what a mess.

She had been scared to call him. Yes, it was true. Scared to drive him, call him, anything. She was scared of seeing him like that. Of what it would mean, what it would form between them, a kind of intimacy she knew he didn't want, thought he didn't want.

She had been scared of falling in love, deeper and deeper in love. Of falling for a broken genius locked inside a mental institute.

She had chosen Lucas. The ultimate slap in the face, an ex friend. And it's true; she had told Lucas everything, well almost everything. It had been in bits and pieces, drabbles really, pillow talk. She had no one, no one to talk to; she had just wanted to be close.

She sat at her desk and held her head in her hands. There was no way that she could make it through the day. She wanted to leave before she saw him; there was simply no way that she could face him, knowing how he felt, how she made him feel.

Quickly, and quietly, while choking back tears, she pulled the insurance files and readied a stack of tasks her assistant needed to complete, then picking up the phone she cleared her schedule for the rest of the day, packed her briefcase and headed out of her office.

She looked at her watch; she would have some time at least, before the nanny left, before Lucas showed up. It had become almost routine for him now. Evenings were always at her place, dinner and kisses by the fire, playtime with Rachel….bedtime.

There was no way, no way.

In the parking lot, she entered her car quickly and sat for a moment with her hands on the wheel. She was shaking, and her heart was pounding. She could feel the tears starting to come, but she needed, to get away, before she burst.

She pulled out of her space and passed Wilson and House as she pulled onto the street. Wilson had flashed his lights, she had done nothing, accelerated, escaped. Her phone had started buzzing, she drove on. Away from the hospital, not towards her house, not towards anywhere or anyone.

Approaching a local park, she pulled over. Placed the car in park, put her face in her hands and wept.

*****Remember…..reviews are my muse !!!!! PS – what do you guys think about this going up on the House forum sight ????Anyone have any experience with that ?**********************


	17. Chapter 17

****_OK I'm back. First and foremost I wanted to thank everyone who has read and reviewed and who has PM'd me to continue. Second, I want to apologize. I am sorry !! I got busy, I went away on vacation, and you know what…this story is hard !! This season, I just don't get Cuddy, and I kinda don't get House!! Also, this chapter is a little different. Had to try and show some diff sides of Cuddy here. I'll be on track from now on, and as usual…love the reviews and the suggestions._

_SISTERS_

Lisa Cuddy opened the front door of her house and went directly into her sister's arms.

"Lisa?" Julia asked, concerned, "what's going on?"

"Jules," she said, into her sister's shoulder as she held on tightly, "I'm sorry…I had no one ..."

"Lise," her sister said pulling her back so she could look into her face, "you always have me…now come on, "she said gently, "lets go inside so you can tell me what's going on."

Once inside they sat side by side on the living room sofa. "Jules," Cuddy started, shaking her head softly, "I feel like my life is falling apart."

"What's falling apart?" her sister asked softly, "You have a great career, a beautiful daughter, a new boyfriend …"

Cuddy bit her lip, and fought back the tears, that were brimming in her eyes, "I think I made a terrible mistake with Lucas." She said flatly.

"Oh Lise," her sister sighed, "did you call me all the way over here because you had a fight with Lucas?"

Cuddy leaned back on the sofa and covered her face with her hands, "Lucas….I don't think he's who I thought he was. And…House."

"No," Julia, shook her head, "Not Greg, Lisa not again. Do not tell me this has anything to do with that jack-ass!"

"Julia!" Cuddy started.

"Oh God," her sister ranted, running her hand through the same long dark curls, "how many times are you going to let him hurt you Lise ? You have Lucas now. It's over with Greg, it never was, and it never will be!! Stop letting him….."

"Julia please," Cuddy cut her off, "It's not like that, there's nothing going on with me and House I just, I've hurt him so much and…"

"You hurt him?" Her sister exclaimed, "Does he have the capacity to be hurt."

"He does, and I…." she shook her head, "I made so many mistakes…..I should have never opened up so much to Lucas, but I…I don't have anyone Julia, anyone....I don't…"

"You have an amazing career, "her sister said, cutting her off. "Lisa you're a doctor, you are the youngest female hospital administrator in the country. You have colleagues. You have employees. When did you ever start needing friends?"

"A few months ago…now…always!" Cuddy answered in a defeated voice. "You have friends, everyone has friends."

"Lisa, our whole life you had your head in a book." Her sister said softly, "I was a liberal arts major….you went to medical school and added a specialty in administrative medicine. While I was at sorority parties you were cutting open cadavers !"

Cuddy looked up and laughed softly, "I was !"

"And besides," her sister added, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, "you had some friends, like me…and that idiot Greg."

"Well," Cuddy shook her head and sniffeled, "I don't have him anymore."

"Oh Lise," her sister frowned, "what happened ?"

Cuddy leaned back into the soft cushions of her sofa, she tilted her head towards the ceiling and shut her eyes. "Sometime last year Greg's vicodin use got pretty out of control," she said with a sigh, "He began having delusions which involved his best friends girlfriend….dead girlfriend."

"Oh no Lisa," he sister said shaking her head.

"She had gone out to pick him up from a bar one night and was in a terrible crash," Cuddy continued, opening hereyes and staring at the ceiling as she thought of Amber, and those horrible final days. "That same year a member of his team commited suicide."

"Jesus," her sister inhaled.

"The drugs, the guilt," Cuddy continued, "He went over the edge."

"You told me something about a clinic or…." Her sister started.

"A psychiatric hospital." Cuddy continued. "He committed himself ,because he hallucinated that he spent the night with me." She raised her head and turned to face her sister, "that I helped him to detox, and…." She paused, letting her voice trail.

"And?" Julia asked raising an eyebrow and staring at her sister.

"And that we made love." Cuddy continued. "It was awful Jules, the look on his face when he realized that it was a hallucination…that he was losing his mind."

"Oh Lise," her sister said pulling her into a hug, "You should have called me; I would have been there for you."

"I should have," Cuddy conceded, "but I didn't. I was alone, wrought with guilt, and struggling with Rachel, being a single mom, and the hospital, the tremendous responsibility; everything…. And then." She gave a small shrug and a laugh, "and then one day I met Lucas."

"There's nothing wrong with that." Her sister said earnestly.

Cuddy laughed, "Actually….he was House's friend."

"Give yourself a break," her sister shrugged, "sometimes love just happens."

"I don't think I love Lucas." Cuddy said flatly. "I thought I did. But I was in love with the idea of him, simple, easy, happy, kind, but…"

"What happened?" her sister asked wearily.

"I told him about House. About the hallucination, the treatment….all of it, it was a huge breach of trust and he….at a medical convention last month he…threw it all back in House's face."

"Oh Lisa no," her sister started, "did Greg know you were the one who…."

She nodded and continued, "I had been hiding our relationship from him…and, Lucas, he was just so…cruel."

"Maybe he was just nervous, "her sister offered, "being there with both of you, your history."

"That's what I thought at first too," Cuddy continued, "but there's been other things…." She looked up slowly to meet her sister's eyes, "I saw some security tapes last week from the hospital, Lucas was…harassing House, at night and…."

"How do you know it wasn't the other way around?" her sister asked gently, "Greg's no saint."

"I know." Cuddy stated firmly, "It was clear in the tapes and when I confronted Lucas he just….shrugged it off….I, just don't know about him anymore."

"Wow Lise," her sister sighed and leaned back against the cushions of the couch.

"House came into the ER last week." Cuddy continued, looking at her hands, "James found him…he had overdosed."

"Oh no!" her sister exclaimed.

"And today, when I went to look for some forms in his office, I found a letter….some sort of cathartic writing…about me." Cuddy paused and breathed in trying to fight back the tears, "Oh Jules, it was awful. I've hurt him so much! There was so much anger and resentment and pain. And so much love." The tears started and she couldn't stop them, "he loved me so much," she sobbed, "I never knew! I never imagined that he felt that way, I…" she couldn't continue, she just covered her mouth to block the sobs and cried.

"Lisa," her sister whispered pulling her into a warm embrace. "You had no way of knowing, Greg is an ass, and he always has been."

"I would have waited!" Cuddy sobbed, "I waited for twenty years I would have waited a few more months! And now I threw it all away!!"

"You didn't throw anything away." Her sister comforted. "He's still here, he wrote that didn't him?"

"But he's so angry, and so hurt!" Cuddy started, "and now there's Lucas…I know I'm angry and confused but I can't just throw him away!"

"Do you want to?" she asked pulling back so she could look her younger sister in the eyes.

"I don't…I don't know what to do. I'm not alone Julia." She stammered, "I have to consider Rachel. Lucas loves her, and he's great with her. House….." she bit her lip thinking back on what the letter had said concerning the adoption of her daughter.

"What is it?" her sister asked softly, rubbing Cuddy's arm to calm her.

"In his letter House said that he never wanted me to adopt Rachel that it would take him out of the running." She said. "He was right."

"I know this is hard Lise," her sister said firmly, "but your love life has to be about you. You need to find someone who loves you and Rachel, but honey, you've got to be in love too!"

"I thought I was!" Cuddy cried again.

"I thought," her sister began slowly, "that things were moving awfully fast between you and Lucas." Cuddy looked up as her sister continued, "He was so different from anyone you had ever dated, but mom and I…well we were glad you found someone to get your mind off Greg."

"You and mom talked about this?" Cuddy asked wide eyed.

"Of course," her sister smiled, "You may be big shot at your hospital Lise, but you are still my little sister, and you are definitely still mom's little girl. Lisa," her sister continued, "Don't forget that it was me who picked up the pieces the first time Greg broke your heart back in Michigan, and when he had that thing with his leg, and when he broke up with his girlfriend I saw your hopes rise only to be crushed by him again. Then it was the drugs, the rudeness, and the disciplinary problems. He's all you ever talk about."

"Oh God," Cuddy held her head in her hands. "Have I been that transparent?"

"You've been yourself Lise." Her sister laughed, "Once you set your sights on something."

"That's what daddy used to say." Cuddy sighed.

"It is," her sister smiled, "and he was always right about you. 'Once she sets her sights on something, she'll never stop'. And he was right; a doctor, head of your hospital, a mother, you have it all."

"Almost all." Cuddy corrected with a weak smile.

"If you stay with Lucas," her sister corrected, "Then you do have it all."

"Is that what you're telling me to do?" Cuddy asked narrowing her eyes.

"Oh Lisa, I can't give you that answer," her sister said, "But I know that you deserve to be happy."

"I thought Lucas made me happy." Cuddy said softly. "But…."

"But?" her sister coached.

"But all I can think about is Greg," she whispered, "I think I'm in love with him."

"Well, then I think you have your answer," Her sister smiled softly and reached out a hand to rub her shoulder. "I've got an idea Lise," she smiled. "What time does Marina get back with Rachel?"

_******Please, please, please review !!!!!!!!**********************_


	18. Chapter 18

***_sorry- a big break again !! I guess with this season lacking fluency its been hard. Promise I'll be better. BTW – thanks for the reviews, for the person who chose to give me the horrible, non constructive crappy review- screw you !!**************_

_A simple plan_

Julia's idea was simple really. "No more games Lisa." She had told her sister firmly, holding her head gently between her hands so she could look directly into her grey eyes. "It's gone on for too long, you've both avoided the truth, and hurt each other too many times."

"But what if…." Cuddy had started.

"No buts, and no what if's." her sister had answered. "You love him, you want him, and you need him. That's all there is Lisa."

Cuddy had closed her eyes and pulled away.

"Lise," her sister had gone to her, "It's time….it's time for the truth. You know how he feels. Let him know what's in your heart." Julia would stay home, meet the nanny and watch her beloved niece. She would run interference with Lucas, who was sure to call, show up, or both, and be there….physically and emotionally, for Cuddy, before she left; when she returned.

And Cuddy….well, she had to get House alone. That was the easy part. And then, follow the plan; the plan her sister described as being simple. But really, telling someone you've loved but avoided for twenty years your true feelings for them was never simple. And of course, according to Julia, the key was to be truthful….meaning no hiding the fact of what she had read.

"No matter, how angry, hurt, or betrayed he feels," her sister has insisted, "he needs to know the truth. He needs to know that you accept his feelings and that you have feelings of your own."

"I can't let him know I read the letter." Cuddy had insisted.

"You can't withhold that…it's not fair to him. And besides," she had gone on, "eventually it will come out, and then it will be too late."

And as far as Lucas was concerned; he needed the truth too. Even if the truth was doubt, and uncertainty, he deserved to know that was how she felt.

"No one wants to be strung along." Her sister had said. "It doesn't matter what they've done."

A phone call to Wilson was all it had taken for Cuddy to find him. Wilson had been wary of course, of telling Cuddy, House's whereabouts ;scraed that she would hurt him again, his friend was treading on shaky ground, but Wilson could not keep them apart.

House was at his apartment, he went there almost nightly, his piano, his music, his things; Wilson knew these were the things House needed to keep him grounded.

In a matter of minutes she had been at his door; nervous and scared, but ready to face him.

-------------xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx--------------------------

"Come in Wilson!" he called out, "door's open."

She opened the door and stepped inside, shutting it behind her.

He looked up from the piano, then looked back down and continued playing. "You're not Wilson." He said dryly.

"No…." She was nervous, too nervous. "He told me you'd be here, and I wanted to …talk to you."

His deep blue eyes flickered up to her for a moment and then he looked back down, "Well, my office hours are Mon through Fri," he said sarcastically, while continuing to play, "from 9 to about…."

She laughed "You are never in by 9!"

He looked up at her and his hands paused over the keys, "Is this why you're here, to talk about my hours?"

"No, I…."she blushed lightly and looked down. "Look, Greg, I…just wanted to say that, well, I'm sorry. For everything, everything that's happened since you came back…I should have…."

"What is this?" He asked narrowing his eyes suspiciously. "Did you suddenly grow a conscience?"

This wasn't going how she had planned. He was already on the defensive, once he found that she had seen what he had written he would be furious.

"I've always had a conscience, "she started, "you've just made it very hard…"

"I've made it hard?" He asked, incredulously.

She exhaled deeply, Julia had no idea how hard it was to talk to House, let alone show him your true feelings.

"Look," she started, "I was ….nervous, about…you coming back so I…closed myself off. I'm sorry. We've been friends for so long, I should have been there for you." She walked over to the back of the couch and rested her hands on it.

"What spurred this on?" He asked quietly.

"I miss our friendship House, I miss the way it used to be between us…I miss you House." She shrugged lightly and looked up at him.

He rested his arms across the top of the piano and stared down at the keys. "I guess Cuddy," he said slowly, "That you should have thought of that before you shacked up with your boy-toy."

"Well, she said with a small forced smile, "I'm thinking about it now."

"Why now ?" He asked again, "what's going on ?"

She knew, she knew right then and there that she should tell him, but she couldn't, she was terrified and she just shook her head slightly. "Nothing. I…your relapse…it made me think about…things…about us, about me, and how I've been acting, so…."

"So, you're sorry." He finished for her. "Thanks, apology accepted." He took a sip of his drink, his eyes never leaving her, "anything else?"

She tapped her hands on the back of the couch. "Well, no. Nothing pressing…I just thought that we could….talk."

"Cuddy," He asked coldly, "What is this about?"

This was it, now or never, "House," she started cautiously, "when I stopped by your office to pick up the insurance papers today, I…"

He looked up at her coldly, "Did you go through my desk?" he asked.

"House, you told me the papers would be in your drawer, I…" she started.

"You what?" He asked her, standing up.

"I saw a crumpled piece of paper with my name all over it and I read it House." She looked up, "I'm sorry."

He shook his head lightly and made a fist, tapping it slightly on top of the piano. "I'm sure you and Lucas had a nice laugh."

"No House, I didn't…I would never." She caught herself too late.

"You would never what?" He spat out bitterly, "divulge such personal information about me to Lucas? No, that would be so below you."

"House, that was a huge mistake," She said earnestly, "I should have never done that."

"But you did." He said, "So that's why you're here. Is this a mercy visit, to ease your conscience? Go home Cuddy, go home to wonder boy."

"House I…" she started nervously, "I….I'm not going home to Lucas. This isn't about Lucas, it's about us."

"There is no us." He laughed bitterly, "You made that perfectly clear."

"I need to …" she started.

"You need to get out." He said coldly, crossing the room to stand before her.

"Greg," her voice was trembling, "please, let me talk to you…let me."

He shook his head and raised his voice, "Cuddy, go."

"I…" she started her hand reaching out to touch him. To stop him, to hold him, to forge a connection with him.

"_You_," he snapped coldly, reaching out and grasping her firmly by the wrist, keeping her hand away from him. "Violated my fucking privacy once again. I don't care what _you_ need to tell me. I don't care what _you_ fucking need to alleviate _your_ fucking guilt. I need you to get out of my house." He pulled her wrist towards him to emphasize, "I need you to get the hell out." He said before dropping her hand and walking towards the door to open it.

She looked down briefly, and blinked the tears out of her eyes. She knew it would happen this way. She knew that once he found out about his letter he would be furious, much too angry to hear her out. She turned and walked slowly towards the door, pausing once she reached the threshold to turn and look up at him.

He stood with his hand on the door holding it open, his face cool and unnerving, his eyes focused on the ground between them. She raised her hand a tentatively rested it on his arm. "I'm sorry Greg," she said softly, "I never meant for any of this to happen."

He pulled his arm out from underneath her hand and without saying a word or looking up he began to shut the door.

"Wait, "she said blocking the door with one hand. This was it, her final chance….the suicide mission. "I want you to have this," she reached in her pocket and pulled out an envelope, "I wrote this for you…" she paused nervously holding the letter out to him. "I wanted you to…"

Wordlessly he took the letter from her hand, tore it in half and dropped it on the floor between them, before reaching for the door knob and slowly shutting the door.

*********please review !!!!!

"


	19. Chapter 19

_*****Sorry so short. More to come!!!!!!****************_

_To Read?_

He shut the door firmly and leaned his head against it, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply as he listened for her steps down the hall.

He walked back to the piano and grabbed his glass pouring himself a stiff drink, and taking it down in one gulp. He stared across the room at the letter, torn in half and lying on the floor.

Of course he wanted to read it, but he didn't want to give her the satisfaction. The satisfaction of thinking that reading her pathetic letter would excuse what she had done to him.

She violated his fucking privacy. He didn't custom tailor a letter and hand it to her. He wrote one for his shrink, as part of his therapy, his private, doctor patient highly confidential, therapy. Her letter meant nothing.

How could he have been so fucking stupid to leave that thing in his desk drawer? He rubbed his temple, recalling some of the key bits of the letter; it had been so full, so raw, and so emotional. Fuck!

Of course, he was going to read her letter. Of course.

He leaned on his piano and stared at it.

Then slowly and without much deliberation he limped across the room and picked it up. He held it in his hand as he made it over to the couch.

Reading this would change everything and he knew it. She had replied, responded, reacted in some way to his awful, pathetic spew.

He could throw it away and go into work tomorrow, pretend nothing happened. Give his fucking letter to Nolan, and explain to him just exactly what that stupid assignment had cost him. Cuddy would steer clear of him after what she had read. Sure, no more bantering and fun, no that there was much left of that anyway, but for sure he would have the biggest "get out of jail" pass in the history of all employees.

He dropped the letter on the coffee table before him. If he read it, though, he would get some answers. At the very least, he would get some insight, probably an apology or two. Maybe, maybe more…..

Slowly he unfolded each half of the letter, and pieced it together.

**************Review Please!!!*******************


	20. Chapter 20

_********Here it goes….._

_Reply_

House,

I went by your office today to look for your medical license, and when I went through your desk drawers I came across a letter that you had written about me.

I didn't mean to read it. It was just impossible to put down.

I know that you will be too angry to hear me out. But I need you to know how I feel.

Please, please, give me a chance.

Greg I am sorry.

When I read that letter today a rush of emotions overtook me so hard that I had to leave work. I had to drive and get away and stay away.

The thought that I could have made another human being feel that way. The thought that I made you feel that way. That I hurt you. So much.

Greg, I am so sorry. I should have been there for you. I should have come to Mayfield. I should have been waiting when you came back. Damn it House, after so many years of wanting you….I let you go right at the very end. Right when you needed me.

I was scared. I was terrified and stubborn and stupid. You were so cruel to me on that night in my office. You always knew how to hurt me the most, and poor Rachel was your constant target. And the next day, the smirking, the public humiliation….I didn't know how sick you were House, I just thought…that you were hurting me, punishing me, I didn't know.

I tried so hard with you. When I lost Joy, you came to me…I thought we had something. I tried , and you pushed me away. You never wanted to start something, to be serious. I always felt such hope, and then you would crush it.

When Wilson told me how serious your hallucinations had been. When he told me about me, about us. House I was frightened. I was scared that you had lost your mind. That you would be gone, to me. I just, I couldn't bear to lose you…so I just acted like I had never had you.

It wasn't easy. I closed myself off. I had Rachel, the hospital; it's easy to lose yourself when you have to. You've been there.

Lucas….I needed an investigator. When he showed up, I was so alone, so stressed and tired and overworked and alone. It was easy. He is so light, and easy and flexible. He wanted me, he wanted Rachel, and he made it work. And I just went along with it. I had been so submerged in my career and my desire for motherhood for so long. I can't remember the last time someone took care of me, my needs, my wants.

I should have never told him about you; your hallucinations, your stay at Mayfield. I am sorry; I know you will never forgive me. I was alone, I needed to talk to someone, I never thought he would act the way he did. He was jealous, and afraid; he knows there is something between us that he will never be able to understand.

When you came back, I knew I should have told you, told Wilson; somehow let it be known that I was involved. Yes, it's true, I with-held it, you did seem fragile, and it seemed so absurdly presumptuous and cold for me to drop that in your lap. By the time I realized that you had come back with strong feelings for me, I was too afraid to tell you, too much time had gone by, and…I was afraid to open my heart up to you again.

At the convention. Jesus House, I never thought that you would be there. I never imagined I would find you at that party, in that costume, waiting for me. What was I supposed to do? You asked me to dance, it was a fast song, I said yes. Then it turned slow, and I was in your arms. I should have told you, but I couldn't. God, I melted into your arms, into your eyes, into remembering that one night we spent together. I hadn't been touched, or spoken to like that, by you, in years. No fighting, no sarcasm, only us together. I didn't want it to end. I wanted to stay in your arms forever.

The next morning, with Rachel. I lied. I….I never considered how my actions would hurt you. It's not that I didn't trust you with Rachel; I never thought you would have the interest. I called Lucas to help me, not to hurt you. I am so sorry.

I'm sorry about so many things.

Your leg. I never said I was sorry because I never wanted to admit my role in that. As a doctor, I did no wrong; I saved your life dam it, and was pushed into a legal corner by Stacy. Oh House, I did know that you would never agree to that procedure, you are stubborn to the end, but I would not let an infraction kill you. There is no way that I would have stood by and watched you die, and you would have. You know that and I know that. I am sorry, that you are in constant pain. I am sorry that you feel that I went against your wishes. I have never been sorry, that I chose a procedure that saved your life.

House, you are brilliant to me, to me and to everyone that meets you. In Michigan you were…larger than life…a genius, a mad scientist, an athlete, a god. I never thought, any less than that. When you found me here, I was so happy to have you back, to have you….consider me. You were difficult, are difficult. I always knew that. I didn't realize you felt humiliated by my behavior. I didn't even know you were capable of that. I feel privileged every day to have you here working for me. I should have let you know that. I am sorry that as an employer I made you feel anything less than that.

Greg, your leg, your pain, your addiction is so complicated. Your pain exacerbated your arrogance, your anger your aloofness. When Stacy left, you plummeted to such a dangerous level of self destruction, it was frightening. The only way I knew how to deal with it, was by building walls, and playing games.

For twenty years I have been attracted to you. Your immeasurable genius, you acerbic sense of humor, the rare sweetness you try so hard to hide. I have always been attracted to you. And once Stacy left, and I saw an opening…. I tried so hard to not fall in love.

You and I have never been at the same place in our lives. When I wanted you, you left Michigan, then you came back to me years later and you had Stacy, then the drug addiction and five long years of toying with me. Well, now maybe you feel ready, but I have a child….and Lucas.

Did we miss our window? I just don't know House. We had five years. So many opportunities, before Rachel, before Lucas, before your breakdown, before all this resentment. Five long years.

Maybe you didn't know I wanted you. You say you were angry, scared. I was scared too. To love someone like you is frightening. You have a strong self-preservation instinct, and you push people away to save yourself. You pushed me away, for so long. What was I supposed to do? Give up my dreams of motherhood? Remain single in hopes that you would eventually realize that you wanted me?

I'm with someone now. Do I love him, I'm not sure. I thought I did, until you came back in my life. It took one minute of looking up into your eyes for all the feelings I tried so hard to hide to come rushing back to me.

Do I love you? Yes. Yes of course I love you. I have loved you for twenty years.

I don't want it to be too late.

I don't know if it is.

All I know is that I'm sorry that I've hurt you, and that I love you.

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